Living in fear

I actually had a few different titles because of the many ways I've thought of this. 

It's been an emotional week. This time last year I found out I had cancer again. And this year I DO NOT have cancer, but at least for now I have been unable to escape the fear. One of the grisly scary things about Breast cancer is the fact you can have true breast cancer aka a lump in your boobies. And there are NO symptoms, none. And if you are symptomatic usually there is a PROBLEM involving an organ that is less forgiving of having a growth on it.  I would imagine that this is something a lot of cancer patients encounter. And I the abcense of overt symptoms what are you supposed to do. Nothing. And that is fucking scary. Especially since I've been there twice. 

I mean I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac so that didn't help things either. And it's frustrating to feel afraid most of the time.  I know I put a brave face on to the world, and for the most part I Believe it at least in some percentage. But the other percentage is fear and there is only so much breath you can send to that. 

My hope is that through time, yoga and mediation the sensation will get less, in sort of a water spilling out on a larger surface. The actual volume of water might be the same but it's not nearly as deep. And I have to focus on that.  And ask for some help with that. But it's a challenge lemme tell ya. 

When your world crumbles

I feel numb. The one thing that you fear when you have cancer, especially at 28, is that it will come back. I mean you muster through everything the first time, get to the end and think "ok I made it, now I can get on with my life." I mean really who wouldn't think that. Life throws you a wrench and you manage to dodge it, sort of, but you come out the other side thinking you'll never have to deal with that again, minus an overly close relationship to a few physicians.  Until it turns out life throws you another similarly shaped wrench. 

Oh yeh that's right like a really really bad zombie move, the cancer is back. I found a tiny hard pea sized node on Monday and now on Friday it's definitely cancer. I've had a cat scan, FYI barium is gross... Really gross.  And a fine needle biopsy. Which is how they found it to begin with. 

Fortunately today I found out the scans were clear, a very good sign, but still getting more studies. And probably more blood draws because who doesn't love those. But things are progressing nicely, in a manner of speaking. 

At this point my emotions are all over the place. I mean I'm pissed, duh. That sort of goes without saying, but I'm scared and worried and confused as well. I mean that's the scary part. Now that the hard part. The future and what the hell is going to happen. The only thing I know for sure is its one day at a time. And somehow I'll get through it. 

And as stanley told me 

"We're going to slap the bitch "