Compassion

Something I've been struggling with lately is compassion. Both for myself, and actually others, in relation to my cancer and just in general.  I feel that cancer has the ability to amplify whatever your feeling, makes sense, and in doing that it's like getting hit over the head with a feelings brick. Hurts a little bit, and is impossible to ignore, as opposed to the usual annouying poke that a lot of feelings tend to do. As an even tempered person, for the most part, sometimes I need a stronger internal signal to sense the blip on the radar. 

So that is basically a long winded way to say I've been having a lot of feelings lately. The self compassion is something that I have struggled with in cancer and not. I am admittedly very hard on myself, and in the past would just muscle my way through things, not really paying attention to how I felt and frequently to my own physical detriment. Ranging from just sleep deprivation to full on getting sick.  So now that I quite literally have no choice but to slow down, it's sometimes hard for me to deal with.  Lately in particular I've had trouble.  The thing about chemo is that it breaks your body down 

Umm yeh, wouldn't have a shinny head if something wasn't breaking down. So eventually your body pushes back. Saying nope you have to slow down even more. Sorry you're plan ain't going to work because I have other ideas. And let's just say I don't take that well.  First off I regard my 'cred' as very important. To me saying you'll do something and then not doing it / canceling at the last minute is the worst.  It makes me mad, especially when I already think I'm slowing down a lot.  It's been a very important lesson in listening to myself and though emotionally sometimes I turn into a two year old child having a tantrum, I have gotten better at listening to what my body is telling me that I need. This may or may not what other people think I should be doing. 

This goes into my second point. Unfortunately people have opinions and sometimes they share them when they are unsolicited.  Lately when talking to others, including medical professionals, don't really understand my situation. I've heard this from other young adult cancer patients, basically I'm in a very special group of people and people don't understand what is important to someone my age.  I had an appointment recently with radiation oncology and though they seemed very nice something they said really erked me. I was concerned about how tired I will be during treatment. And I was told it was good that I didn't have a family because I can just go home and go to bed. I mean really. It was sort of insensitive. And what I have come to realize is that people don't understand the need that may exist to be social, to go to yoga, to do basically anything that doesn't involve work. And really that doing those things will keep my mental sanity, maybe more important they sleep, and definitely more important then work. So let's just say I'm not looking forward to going back to them. But I will focus on being compassionate and tell them what I need.  Because it comes down to realizing that cancer docs don't deal with people my age that often and I have to advocate for myself. 

And I will continue to do what I need to do, with as little remorse for it, and attempt to not let others opinions for how I should be a cancer patient influence my decisions. 

Labels

I Or more specifically reading labels. That is something that people associate with food. But really why should you read the labels of everything you're putting near your body.  We live in a pretty toxic word in general and the more I learn the more I realize there are some pretty basic things that can be done to minimize toxins. Only one of them being really food related. 

So first where do the labels come in? Well did you know that the FDA does not require a complete ingredient list on some body products, or cleaning products.  Also anything that toats a shelf life of 3 years or more ain't natural.  I'm sorry but anything that claims to maintain its molecular integrity for that long is far preserved all to heck and really I don't think should be going near my temple... Body. 

So as such I'm in the process of making a few changes. I've switch most of my

Cleaners to vinegar and water and the occasional bleach.. I won't give up my

Toilet wand, but otherwise we're pretty natural.  I gave my sister almost all my lotion and perfume. Replacing the lotion with Shea butter, coca butter and coconut oil. I'm planning to use lanolin in replacement of Vaseline.  My lovely friend Abby found a natural deodorant that has stood up to a hot yoga teacher lifestyle... So goodbye secret. And dr brommers 18-1 soap instead of body wash and for right now shampoo. 

I won't say I'm completely free of that stuff, or that I'm never going to use it again, but I'm working toward that and have been slowly aquirring the necessary alternatives. 

The other big change I made was a three away almost all my plastic Tupperware. What!!!!! Ok so the plastic thing has been a thing for awhile, but I finally said screw it. Let's give it a go. No more plastic. Storage for this kid. I feel like I'll still have to get some containers... Though I found out  H Mart has them.... Can we say post yoga shopping?  But anyway, so right now my cabinet looks like this 

Yes the glass at the top has plastic lids, but I don't think glass lids exist. And if I'm wrong please correct me. But form now in its ball jars and Pyrex for this kid. 

Chemo 3 to the 2 power

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It's offical, we're on the tail end of chemo. Thank goodness. I mean it's so fun and all but not really. I'll be happy when it's over.  This time felt differnt after taking some time off.  It was like I got in all the activities I would like to do and the. I was a little, we're talking a very little, bit ok with being hooked into the toxins again.  I also started to detox my house, but that is for a differnt post. 

I slep poorly as usual but that wasn't a surprise. The fun thing was that my sister was there. We had a bit of a sleep over, which was really fun. So I got up early to get all my ducks in a row and she got up at the last second, and we loaded I the car.  

I sort of developed a method to the Fridays now which is weird a little but sort of comforting.  Blood work, coffee, browse hats... Purchase hat

See the doctor and then infusion. 

 

Seeing the doctor was boring are usual, though I did see the actual doctor which was nice. Ironically I had a form for him to sign, and did I remember to have him sign it.... Nope. Oh well. 

After the doctor I had just enough time to go out to the mediation garden for a hot second. It was a little chilly so that's all that was called for anyway. 

Infusion was fine. I actually had a differnt nurse who I went to high school with.  Talk about a small world. And I got a window seat.... Woohoo. Nice to look outside, not nice cause it was kind of drafty.  Fortunately they kept the heated blankets coming, so I was fine.  

During infusion I got an acupunture treatment, ear needles and a massage. Not too bad. And then I had two visitors. Susan and Kate came to visit. Kate has come the other two times and susan just this time. But after an entire day of being alone it was really nice to have some company to finish it off.  I appreciate all the kindness and large and small gestures people have done all through this.  Susan also kept me company waiting for my ride, Bruce who was my

Ride a lot the previous time, and then went home, Pjamed and bed. 

The one thing we forgot to do was a yoga pose... But it was rectified the next day 

The pause button

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and it's sort of funny that ABC family seems to be putting on a show that seems to struggle with this a little.

I cause it the cancer pause button.  I think this is something mainly encountered by the young cancer patients. I mean I don't know if I'd feel this way if I were retired and had lived a full life, but especially lately it feels like there has been a giant pause button put on everything.  

After the first time it took a really long time to feel "normal" or "good" again. And finally when I did start to have mostly good days I get smacked in the face again. 

I've I'd this feeling lately that my life is not going anywhere. I'm stagnant. And I don't know what to do about it.  

Though I guess the only good thing is that with any pause there is a chance to go again, and I just have to try and be patient for the go. Whenever that is meant to happen. 

Slow it down, even more

So most of you that know me well know I have a hard time slowing down. I like to do lots of things that aren't work related so as a consequence I tend to push myself pretty hard.  And I like it. I love all the activities that I do and don't really have any desire to stop them.  Until I get cancer... Then I really don't have a choice.

I thought I'd been doing pretty good with planning my rest accordingly, and honestly I had been, until this past weekend. I basically had 4 things to do in 3 days... Theoretically no biggie. Haha I was wrong.  The end of that week was rough because the bone pain decided to kick itself into high gear. So by Friday I was pretty wiped.  Mom and I had plans to go to Book of Mormon, which we did and was awesome. But it got out super late..... Like 11. And so sleeping wasn't the best that night.  Worth it but it threw me off for the next day. 

The following day I had plans to go to nates class and then self care Saturday to make up some training hours. And unfortunately because of exhaustion, the make up hours won.  We won't have to mention the really bad bloody nose that happened during the class... No let's leave that out.  We all went to masa for a bit which was lovely and then I poured myself into the car. 

And Sunday I taught... Which I knew would be exhausting so I spent the entire day on the couch... I'm serious.  I think I sort of watched 4 movies.  

The main point is that I realized more then anything I have to be even more selective with my choices of activities.  Mainly annoyingly enough I do still have to go to work... Damn it... So that makes me sad. But I'll make it work and make as much of it count as I can. Damn it 

First yoga community class

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I taught my first full 90 min flow at Prana Power yoga in Winchester on Sunday.  To conserve my energy I spent literally the entire early part of the day on the couch, and surprisingly relaxed.  I came to the realization this weekend that even my original version of cutting back wasn't going to cut it, in terms of where my body is at.... So to be on the safe side couch it was. 

I knew the nerves would hit eventually, which they did on the Way over.  Not surprised and spent the car ride breathing. Fortunately because I didn't have a key I had to get there really early, so that stress was gone.  I chilled out on the curb waiting till I could get in. And then I made sure I was situated with the computer and stuff. 

Checking people in went pretty good, especially since I knew 4 of the 8 people that came. And there wasn't really a rush on things. I got the door shut and made my way to class. 

I changed the first half of class a bit, which was scary but fun.  I started them in child's pose which is how I like to start,  a good thing about teaching irregularly...you don't feel as repetitive. I also changed up the crescent twist portion, bringing in revolved half moon and standing leg split.  The two funny things that happened in the first half were I actually noticed when I said chatturunga instead of uttcatasana, which apparently has happened before but I had never noticed.  The second one was that I cued for everyone to take a high twist before going into crescent lung and literally one person actually did it. I was extremely glad for that because otherwise I probably would have thought I didn't say it.  So if helped to know that at least I said what I intended. And hey, apparently people really don't listen to you while teaching. 

The second half was more vanilla flow. The funny thing that happened there was I had sort of a ton of time left (an indication I could have probably held things longer) when I got pretty near the end of the flow that we learned.  So what did I do, held a really long half pigeon and added the quad stretch, cued supported fish.... Because who doesn't love it.  And did a whole 10 min savasana. Which of course meant I could assist everyone.   I'd say overall a win.  

I'd say I'm mainly excited that I got one down. Woot woot. And I also realized something else. I can time holds out by assisting. That way I'll be more likely to be balanced on both sides... Cause there is nothing more annoying then when one side is held longer then the other.  

Overall so excited to teach again, and looking forward to improving my skills.!

Becoming relaxed

Today I met my friend Anna for breakfast. This is not a surpremely revolutionary idea to most people, except its wednesday and I went to work after.  Granted me met early, 730 am but other then actually having to get out of bed when I was supposed to I didn't really wake up any earlier then I am used to doing.  We went to Commenwealth cafe in Union Square and had a lovely breakfast and chat and still managed to pull into work at 915. So not really much later then I get there on a bad day. 

The mind blowing thing about this idea was how easy it was.  I won't lie and say I didn't feel bad about it, since there is some sort of differnt  feel of getting to work "late" In my head because I just didn't get up and because I was doing something fun.  But it was really nice. And actually made me feel good for the whole day. 

Hope I can continue to relax into things as the cancer progresses and even after