Why NPs are awesome

I had a moment today that made me realize how much I want to be an NP or I guess why I want to be a good one. 

Some people are aware of my desire to become a nurse and it was this interaction that had made me realize again the important it is to have good people to talk to in medical situations and the importance of having someone there that can "talk you off the ledge". I also know I could be that person.

  I had been sort of freaking out about a few things and in the end the reasons don't matter. But I called my Doctor to come in and be seen. And because I could see her quicker they have me an appointment with the NP.  So I went in and went through the whole rigamaroll of what had been going on and how I was feeling, and see listened attentively. And when I was done said "ok we're going to do a full exam". She did the exam and then re-read some reports. And gave her opinion about what was to be done. Everything she said was very reasonable and she gave me her idea of the plan. 

The most magical part of the experience was after she finished her "we should do this.... " speach she asked me how I felt about it. It felt so egalitarian and in asking she acknowledged my fears and legitimized the freak out. And that was great. In doing that I realized a bit more that I'm doing the right thing, I'm fine and things will work out. 

Granted it's still hard for me to feel that way. REALLY hard depending on the day, but taking the edge off was great. 

Side note : she used the words "hot mess" more then once... Which surprisingly made things better. 

So why are NP's awesome. Because she took the time, listened and rationalized my fears, but didn't allow my fears to drive her decisions. She made me feel 50% less crazy, and that I was doing the right thing.  My main hope is that someday I will be able to do that for someone else. And in taking the 45 min out of my day, help someone make it through a tense few months. 

Omnipresence, self awareness, and hypochondria

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been in a bit of a turmoil of feelings, emotions and actions to a certain part.

First off the fact that Boston is experiencing record breaking snow fall on basically ever, it makes it hard to function on a very basic level. Getting anywhere is ways more challenging and I think it's making everyone a lot more irritable.....

Ok who I am kidding, a lot more irritable. 

The second thing going on is the fact I've had a bit of a sense of foreboding. And really the foreboding and the hypochondria sort of go hand in hand. We are coming up on a year since I discovered the second lump in my right breast and the entire shit show of the last year transpired.  For some reason this week has just been feeling very eary. I'm definitely not ok with this feel. Umm yeh give me a huge dose of foreboding... Thanks but no thanks.  But that has not helped the feeling I've had that something just isn't right. Initially I tried to shake it and just play it off as true crazy. But it just wouldn't go away. 

That is the good thing about being a yogi. I can tell when something isn't right. Granted the plague of all winter colds has been going around so of course I initially thought that was what was going on. I mean I had pneumonia this year so I think my lungs are having a disagreement with my body. But I know when something is just a cold or when things aren't resolving. Or at least I think I do. 

I should mention, I'm also extremely impatient when it comes to health things. I admittedly have NO gauge about what it means to be sick, so I never know if though I am not getting better. It's a normal not getting better or if it's an actual problem. And let's just say this inability is ANNOUYING.  It was brought to my attention just now that it might not be impatience so much as anxiety. And no matter what you call it it pisses me off that my mind goes there. 

The shroud that surrounds the medical profession as a whole has been removed and I am not always that impressed by what I see.  It makes me want to take charge of my health care and to a certain extent I do. The limitations I've encountered have some to do with my time constraints and some with medicine as a whole. I get frustrated that I can't devote unlimited resources to determine if and when I have a problem and the best course of treatment. And the fact that medicine had limitations. We power things with wind. We send people to the moon. We should be able to answer why my lungs feel funny. 

Unfortunately the plan and simple fact is that it is not that simple. I am doing everything I can and now I have to wait and see how things play out. I'm fortunate enough I can see specialists without much of an issue. So that might happen. More tests might happen, and I will get to a point where I feel at peace with the answers.