Chemo round 1 ^2

28march14

So it's all beginning again.  Or shall I say begun. Friday was the big day and fortunately nothing too crazy happened. I learned one valuable lesson. The decadron I have to take before is a steroid. So when I couldn't fall asleep the night before and then woke up at 4.... Literally 4. It wasn't all anxiety, which made me happy cause if I had to do that everytime i was not going to be thrilled. I mean I would managed but the fact that I don't have to do that.  So that's good. 

The morning was uneventful. I relaxed and got ready to get on the train. The train was crowed but I made it with 10 min to spare. 

That pretty much summed my inital feelings. So I made it up for my blood work. And then went to get a decaf coffee. Which was surprisingly good for hospital coffee cart.  

Ps - I get really bored 

I did some browsing in the cancer store. I mean I have to start thinking about hats, and meant with the nurse practitioner that works with my dr.   

I had a little time between my apt and my infusion so I went to healing garden.  It was windy but really nice. I'll definitely try to step out there next time if it's a nice day.  

The infusion went off without a hitch. Fortunately I liked my nurse, since I'll get the same one every time. And miss Kate came and kept me company for a bit.  It was nice to have some company for a bit to break up the solitary and quite. 

I made up a game too. It's call chemo asana game. 

Tree pose. A little wobbly bit still rocking it. 

Kate and I made it outside and my lovely yoga chauffeur Rae Ann whisked me to yoga to continue the rest of the evening. 

1 down 3 to go. 

Make a plan

There are lots of things you make a plan for and the tough part is realizing and accepting that you can't plan for every permutation of the unknown. And there are times you just have to go with it. There lies the challenge and the rub. 

So since chemo officially starts on Friday I've been making all sorts of plans. Stocking up on liquid and apple sauce, 

Figuring out how to get to and from the hospital.  The answer being I am taking the train in and have someone pick me up. And the big question for just this teacher training. Is what do I want to try to do for yoga ing? 

This one has been the most challenge to accept.  I know full well that I will not be able to get to it all. I know for a fact I won't have that kind of stamina. So the question is what is a reasonable amount of time to shoot for. 

I have a plan in place and now I just have to let it go. It's like you have to plan then detach because life as it's own plan. 

Huevos report

Today I had my appointment with the fertility department today to discuss some info about possibly of harvesting and freeze my eggs. And basically I decided not to do it.  That's the short answer.  

I realized in the VERY long discussion that there are some parts about being pregnant with my type of cancer that I'm not so sure I want to do. And that ~ 60% of women use a gestational carrier.  So that could happen as well. I really liked meeting with the dr because now I know that if I do decide I want biological children with whoever I end up with I know there are some choices to be had. Not the least of all is adoption. 

So you know. If that's in the cards great, and if not that's ok too. But for now I'm letting it lie and seeing what happens. And I feel good about it. It's scary to think about in the broad sense, but when you ask about the safety about being pregnant and you ge the medical version of a shoulder shrug, ummm yeh I need to rethink this.  

I want to live a long life and I have to do that knowing that I am prone to estrogen and progesterone receptor positive tumors. That's a fact. The rest has many paths cross, and I don't have to make a hard and fast rule now. 

And all this means that chemo starts on Friday. All I say about that is BRING it ON! 

Yoga teacher training week 7

21march14 - 23march14

Another amazing weekend at teacher training. It's sort of great to have this built in mega distraction during the cancer times especially because it keeps me from stewing. I do enough of that at work, so it's really great to focus on something positive and time consuming for the weekend. And of course the company was great too. 

So Friday was restorative yoga day. I knew it would be awesome, because restorative yoga is awesome, and any time they tell you to bring blankets (plural) you know there is some relaxation stuff in store. This was even better because Michelle went into kind a of the philoshy of restorative and yin yoga. Both of which I like, and now like even more.  We got each other into this REALLY supported savasana. Which was amazing. I had had such a pent up week that getting a few minutes to completely let my guard down and be completely supported was amazing. Michelle also showed us how to do some of it to ourselves.  That is totally going to happen. Just saying. 

Saturday actually started off with me practice teaching, literally cause I went first. We started at the balance portion of the flow and went through boat. It was odd starting in the middle, and of course my worst critic (me) though it was choppy. But I got good feedback and the best being the silence. I really like silence in my class or while I practice, I like music too but I guess you could say not talking. So though it felt huge and expansive people said it was a good amount.  So that is something I'll just have to get used to.  Also I did a few assists while teaching , and it was great! 

The rest of the day was exsausting in many ways. Least of all because I did a LOT of locust poses. Backbends are great but I definitely started to feel it in my low back by the end of the day. 

Sunday was anatomy, and assisting.  After having a discussion with some people I realize the importance of anatomy in yoga. Not necessarily with the cueing but good for when people ask about stuff or when offering modifications.  Which in my mind is vital. And assisting was really fun, duh. It was fun to get assisted more and of course to see the other trainees begin to become more confident.  It was really good and I think it will be fun to work with especially while teaching all the end of class poses. And it wouldn't be an assistant training if yet another picture of my butt wasn't created. But it was and it's awesome. 

After we were done we went to mAsanto hang for a little while. Before I went to trader joes and cvs to stock up a bit for the upcoming on slot.  

Extremely sleepy but and excellent weekend. 

Support

19march14 

Yesterday I went to a young people with cancer support group and really liked it. There were people dealing with all types of cancer at all different stages of treatment. I was one of the people closer to the beginning, but I was also only one of two in round 2. So it was really interesting. 

The main thing I got out of it was the your feelings are normal. We discussed things like everyone around feels like they're moving through life and cancer sort of feels like a holding pattern. It's the extreme feeling of hurry up and wait. It's like they lay all these things that are happening to you out in front of you, and you just have to wait for them to happen, like watching toy soldiers walk by.  And how hard it is to just trust that what's happening will work out. 

We discussed careers. Like feeling stuck or disenchanted. Which is something I've definitely felt. I mean I don't HATE what I do. But I far from love it. And I especially feel that given this chance I am meant to do something special. Or at the very least should love what I do. 

I could go on and on, but the main thing is that it made me feel like I'm in this with others and that there are people that truly  get it.  All good things 

Tough week

Starting 17mar14- 

This Monday I had my "multi" appointment at MGH. Which is basically doctor code where you sit in a room for 2 hrs and see a bunch of docs. I mean it's an efficient way go, but a touch on the overwhelming side.  I mean we are talking cancer here, so it's not like the information isn't just a little weighty... You think? 

I brought my mom along for as she put it, comic relief. Which was a good idea cause it gets extremely boring being stuck in the room with nothing to do, and can almost be a little claustrophobic. So wise choice on my part... And we revised the really inappropriate though completely funny cancer humor. I like that it gives me an even more pass to say what ever the hell I want. Even to the constrination of others. Tough shit. 

Anyway I digress alittle... Again tough shit.  So first on the agenda was medical oncology. I actually like this guy a lot. He's good and very practical. Things you'd want in a guy that is fixing them to pump toxic chemicals into your veins.  So we discussed chemotherapy. Which is happening again, and I'm actually happy about it. I mean at least I know I'm doing everything out there... As much as chemo is shitty. And going bald is shitty I want to feel like I'm doing everything.  So chemo is back on the table. At least I know what I look like bald. So no surprise there. Just got to do it.  They also inspected my veins so I should be good without a port. No human cyborg. Woot woot. That is fine by me.  I mean that was no fun at all. So after 3 months in chemo land, I'll move over to radiation land. 

I get a month off to recoop. I know friendly right? And then I'm going to for radiation for 6wks.  The good thing about that is the apts are only ~ 30 min long. The bad thing is they are 30 min long, and 5 days a week.  So that will be more annouying then anything else and really not make me want to get any work done. I hope I can get a slot either at the beginning or end of the day. So at least the whole work interruption thing can be avoided. Maybe I'll play the lab card... They should understand that. And granted we're talking anywhere outside of 10-3. I think that should be doable.   

The thing that has been the hardest to wrap my head around is basically if I want to do IVF before I pour toxic chemicals in my body. Basically they said it was a chance that my ovaries might decide not to work after all is said and done. So I have to decide if I want to create a potential more of a guarantee by freezing eggs. Unfortunately it's not the  perfect situation. Storage is pricy. Unfertilized eggs don't do as well. There is some significant prep involved. And it's yet another procedure. 

The whole thing has been freaking me out a bit. It feels like a very big decision and sort of feels unnatural. I mean there is no for sure, so it's hard to fully commit. Also I know my insurance only covers storage for 2 yrs. and  that's not a ton of time, and it's super expensive. Basically there is a lot to think about, and this is before I meet with the dr... But I have to wait because the apt is on tuesday of next week. 

I hate waiting!!!!!!

Yoga teacher training week 6

14mar14-16mar14

Another weekend of yoga training in the bag and I really don't want it to end. I mean granted having a bit of spare time won't really be a bad thing but it's such a wonderful experience I don't want it to stop. 

So Friday as I mentioned in a previous post I took off. So it was very relaxing. Once I was done getting tattooed I went to hang with Kate until it was time to go.  It's so fun to basically not be at work, not be sick and have some excellent company. If it weren't for the whole job thing I'd do it every Friday. 

Friday night training brought along more practice teaching and more practicing. Since I didn't teach it was nice to move my body.  Fridays are always pretty low key and that is fine by me. 

Saturday is the big day. Practice teaching before lunch, then we got into energetics and shamanism.  The short answer is it was weird. We discused a lot about reading or feeling someone or something's energy, which has happened to me but being very deliberate made it a bit creepy. We did 4 sort of separate things. We did a short mediation to ground ourselves and then we read objects of each others. It sounds weird to say we read them but essentially we held an object in our hands in groups and were able get stuff about the other person, so much so that I initially thought I was making it up. Turns out I was not and was even more convinced when he told me things from the reading that I think but rarely if ever say out loud. It was very cool.  We also met our power animals. Which was also cool but I won't be able to explain. Google it. And finished with a love guided mediation, which was great. And ended up with us singing together in a circle. Yes I'm serious. Unfortunately I don't remember the song.   

Saturday ended with more teaching. I was feeling really sore so I ended up assisting everyone instead so that was fun.  I love doing the hands on assisting, so it was nice to share that with the other trainees.  

And it let into an entire day of assisting. Which was fun for me cause I got to focus on something I love and felt much more comfortable giving feedback because I know I know what I'm talking about. Everyone did really well, I was impressed. 

After training I went to Sunday night slow flow at radient yoga with Sara. Great class and good way to start the week.