Slow it down, even more

So most of you that know me well know I have a hard time slowing down. I like to do lots of things that aren't work related so as a consequence I tend to push myself pretty hard.  And I like it. I love all the activities that I do and don't really have any desire to stop them.  Until I get cancer... Then I really don't have a choice.

I thought I'd been doing pretty good with planning my rest accordingly, and honestly I had been, until this past weekend. I basically had 4 things to do in 3 days... Theoretically no biggie. Haha I was wrong.  The end of that week was rough because the bone pain decided to kick itself into high gear. So by Friday I was pretty wiped.  Mom and I had plans to go to Book of Mormon, which we did and was awesome. But it got out super late..... Like 11. And so sleeping wasn't the best that night.  Worth it but it threw me off for the next day. 

The following day I had plans to go to nates class and then self care Saturday to make up some training hours. And unfortunately because of exhaustion, the make up hours won.  We won't have to mention the really bad bloody nose that happened during the class... No let's leave that out.  We all went to masa for a bit which was lovely and then I poured myself into the car. 

And Sunday I taught... Which I knew would be exhausting so I spent the entire day on the couch... I'm serious.  I think I sort of watched 4 movies.  

The main point is that I realized more then anything I have to be even more selective with my choices of activities.  Mainly annoyingly enough I do still have to go to work... Damn it... So that makes me sad. But I'll make it work and make as much of it count as I can. Damn it 

First yoga community class

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I taught my first full 90 min flow at Prana Power yoga in Winchester on Sunday.  To conserve my energy I spent literally the entire early part of the day on the couch, and surprisingly relaxed.  I came to the realization this weekend that even my original version of cutting back wasn't going to cut it, in terms of where my body is at.... So to be on the safe side couch it was. 

I knew the nerves would hit eventually, which they did on the Way over.  Not surprised and spent the car ride breathing. Fortunately because I didn't have a key I had to get there really early, so that stress was gone.  I chilled out on the curb waiting till I could get in. And then I made sure I was situated with the computer and stuff. 

Checking people in went pretty good, especially since I knew 4 of the 8 people that came. And there wasn't really a rush on things. I got the door shut and made my way to class. 

I changed the first half of class a bit, which was scary but fun.  I started them in child's pose which is how I like to start,  a good thing about teaching irregularly...you don't feel as repetitive. I also changed up the crescent twist portion, bringing in revolved half moon and standing leg split.  The two funny things that happened in the first half were I actually noticed when I said chatturunga instead of uttcatasana, which apparently has happened before but I had never noticed.  The second one was that I cued for everyone to take a high twist before going into crescent lung and literally one person actually did it. I was extremely glad for that because otherwise I probably would have thought I didn't say it.  So if helped to know that at least I said what I intended. And hey, apparently people really don't listen to you while teaching. 

The second half was more vanilla flow. The funny thing that happened there was I had sort of a ton of time left (an indication I could have probably held things longer) when I got pretty near the end of the flow that we learned.  So what did I do, held a really long half pigeon and added the quad stretch, cued supported fish.... Because who doesn't love it.  And did a whole 10 min savasana. Which of course meant I could assist everyone.   I'd say overall a win.  

I'd say I'm mainly excited that I got one down. Woot woot. And I also realized something else. I can time holds out by assisting. That way I'll be more likely to be balanced on both sides... Cause there is nothing more annoying then when one side is held longer then the other.  

Overall so excited to teach again, and looking forward to improving my skills.!

Becoming relaxed

Today I met my friend Anna for breakfast. This is not a surpremely revolutionary idea to most people, except its wednesday and I went to work after.  Granted me met early, 730 am but other then actually having to get out of bed when I was supposed to I didn't really wake up any earlier then I am used to doing.  We went to Commenwealth cafe in Union Square and had a lovely breakfast and chat and still managed to pull into work at 915. So not really much later then I get there on a bad day. 

The mind blowing thing about this idea was how easy it was.  I won't lie and say I didn't feel bad about it, since there is some sort of differnt  feel of getting to work "late" In my head because I just didn't get up and because I was doing something fun.  But it was really nice. And actually made me feel good for the whole day. 

Hope I can continue to relax into things as the cancer progresses and even after 

The bunny chronicles

20apr14

Otherwise known as Easter.  

This year was a little differnt then others because neither of the siblings were around, so it was very small.  We went to church, no shock there, and dad and I were greeters. This was surprisingly less weird then I thought it would be. I'm not really sure what I thought would happen but the main thing didn't want was to be gushed over.  Sometimes I have this feeling like I have cancer, I'm dealing with it, and I don't want to hear that that I am impressive.  Granted sometimes that is nice, but not all the time. Because as I may have mentioned before it's not really a choice to be impressive, it just is. But now that I'm saying this I guess that is why it's impressive, because I'm not trying to be. 

So anyway, church was uneventful and then we had brunch with the bell choir. Which was tasty.  Dad and I went home and mom stayed for the second service. Most of the rest of the day involved me sitting or sleeping on the couch.  Concluded with dinner at my aunts house and getting a shot via Franni. But I was so happy to not have to go to work the next day.  And of course there was a eastern basket and bunny to be had. 

Who doesn't appreciate a nice fluffy bunny? I mean really, especially since the other ones came in chocolate form. 

The unexpected part of the day was that it really sort of brought me to think about my thoughts on religion.  Growing up we went to church almost every week during the school year. (Yes we had summers "off") but since college my attendance at church was realively sparatik, and the lastfew years  have consisted of mostly Christmas Eve and Easter.  

I started to think why that has changed, was the change intentional, do I want to go back go going to church. A lot of it I'm not sure about, but the one thing I know ins that though the change was not an active choice it is one im sticking with. 

It was a slow thing that I started to shy away from religion and into yoga. Over the years there has been parts about organized religion that never really jived with me. I really think that it was when I had cancer the first time that really put me over the edge. I mean how could I really be ok with a god and "person" that allowed me to get cancer. I was mad, and still am a bit at this person. That being said I believe that there is something out there that watching out for me. I have had to many instances that clearly were the universe watching out for me to not believe it, but the whole organized religion thing.... For the birds, and would I rather worship whoever by dressing up and going to a staunch building, or would I rather link breath with movement and send light out into the world. I'll take the light. 

Chemo round 2 squares

18apr14

Another day another day of putting poison in my body. I didn't sleep super well again. The anticipation is really the killer. Though each time is similar it's hard to know what each time is going to bring since it's breaking you down a little more, so there is only so much predicting you can do. 

Getting to the hospital was uneventful. Which is always good. I mean it's a little disconcerning when getting there is hard. But anyway. I made it to blood work, easy squeezy. Made my way down do get a cup of decaf. Because of the large span of time in between visits I am much more brazen about getting up an walking around. Cause really there is no reason to camp out in waiting room because it's stupidly boring. 

Browsed for a hats and picked up a new one

Very lady like for Easter.  And very soft. Made it through the doctors apt, and off to infusion. 

Again easy for the most part. My veins didn't want to play so nice so it was a two stick day, but once that got going everything went smoothly. 

Chemo mudra and what not to wear... Sounds good. 

I also had a bunch of visitors which was awesome. Erin came up from peds Orth, which was fun, and brought me fun surprises. Slippers, a yummy candle and a hat "buff" 

Who doesn't like animal print? My head is officially ready for spring.  And chai vanilla candles are yummy :-) 

Then Kate and Keith stopped by for a visit as well. It's nice to have some company for a Long day. 

Oh and finally I capitalized on the free massage service... Foot massage yes please.  All in all pretty smooth and a lovely day 

Yoga teacher training wk 10

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Oh my god, it's almost over. I can't believe it. It's been an amazing ride and I can't believe it's over. But like when anything ends something else begins. I don't know what that is right now. But I know it will be awesome. 

Friday started with meeting up with Kate and making our way to the studio. Ironically we got a little lost, first time. Typical that is happens on the last Friday. Whatever we made it work. Friday we started with a little meditiation. Which is always nice, because I am lazy about meditating myself. Then we did the flow once through. It's amazing how much better everyone is, and the fact that we do the whole thing makes it energetically better to handle.  Then it was over.... And I was off to shave my head and watch GI Jane... Very appropriate. 

Saturday  I was tired from staying up to late to shave my head. Oops.  We started off with a discussion of what's next. Yikes so much to think about, now it's like do I do more training, get CPR certified, get insurance, where to teach, how much do you make... Ak, it sort of makes my head spin. I decided today (Monday) I'm going to focus on one opportunity at a time and see what happens, that way I won't overwhelm myself. If the universe decides to throw a bunch of things at me at once then I'll figure it out, but I think I'm not going to seek to much stuff out yet. Let's focus on  community classes and screening for sub lists... Though I may look at other studios to get on the sub list for.  

After that we moved into more practice teaching. Which was good. It's always good to move after we sit for a while. I didn't go until the second round in the evening. I got to teach integration and Sun salutations, which was good. It had been awhile since I had done that, so it was good practice. It's sort of funny that I get really unsure of myself then while I'm teaching this very directive authoritative person comes out. Clearly I got this more then my front mind thinks. Because when I let it flow out it comes... So there we go. 

And Franni helped me finish my hair

Sunday we did one more round of teaching, and chatting. And then we had cupcakes and the merryment commenced. 

The whole teacher training family. 

Then I turned into a rocker. Barely able to keep a straight face... I'm a laugher, deal with it.  

I officially have a yoga bandana now, thanks to Nate. 

The party continued at Rae Ann's and it was amazing. Happy graduation to all of us. 

Ode to hair loss

11apr14

So this post had another thought for a title but I liked them both equally.... The other one was how to slap that bitch.. So both pretty good right? But anyway I digress. 

So one of the funny things about cancer is when you're feeling good you can kind of forget you are sick. Cause at least I'm lucky enough to not feel shitty all the time.  So that is awesome, but then things like "chemo" and "hair loss" start to happen and then all of a sudden you look like a sick person... And that sucks.  

First it starts with a little

And then you end up shedding so much you quite literately clog a drain. I am not kidding that happened. After that there is two choices, wait to see what happens or grab the bull by the horns. Since I have never been one to wait and see, I grabbed the bull by the horns, and took things into my own hands. 

It's coming off... 3,2,1

I started with scissors.  

Then clippers 

Then even shorter clippers. With a little help from Franni I got cleaned up and all done. 

By hair, hello bald and waiting for the bald spots. At least I won't be leaving a trail of my hair whereever I go :-) and even if I look like a sick person I won't feel like it.  So suck on that cancer... Can't get me down.