Living in fear

I actually had a few different titles because of the many ways I've thought of this. 

It's been an emotional week. This time last year I found out I had cancer again. And this year I DO NOT have cancer, but at least for now I have been unable to escape the fear. One of the grisly scary things about Breast cancer is the fact you can have true breast cancer aka a lump in your boobies. And there are NO symptoms, none. And if you are symptomatic usually there is a PROBLEM involving an organ that is less forgiving of having a growth on it.  I would imagine that this is something a lot of cancer patients encounter. And I the abcense of overt symptoms what are you supposed to do. Nothing. And that is fucking scary. Especially since I've been there twice. 

I mean I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac so that didn't help things either. And it's frustrating to feel afraid most of the time.  I know I put a brave face on to the world, and for the most part I Believe it at least in some percentage. But the other percentage is fear and there is only so much breath you can send to that. 

My hope is that through time, yoga and mediation the sensation will get less, in sort of a water spilling out on a larger surface. The actual volume of water might be the same but it's not nearly as deep. And I have to focus on that.  And ask for some help with that. But it's a challenge lemme tell ya. 

Omnipresence, self awareness, and hypochondria

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been in a bit of a turmoil of feelings, emotions and actions to a certain part.

First off the fact that Boston is experiencing record breaking snow fall on basically ever, it makes it hard to function on a very basic level. Getting anywhere is ways more challenging and I think it's making everyone a lot more irritable.....

Ok who I am kidding, a lot more irritable. 

The second thing going on is the fact I've had a bit of a sense of foreboding. And really the foreboding and the hypochondria sort of go hand in hand. We are coming up on a year since I discovered the second lump in my right breast and the entire shit show of the last year transpired.  For some reason this week has just been feeling very eary. I'm definitely not ok with this feel. Umm yeh give me a huge dose of foreboding... Thanks but no thanks.  But that has not helped the feeling I've had that something just isn't right. Initially I tried to shake it and just play it off as true crazy. But it just wouldn't go away. 

That is the good thing about being a yogi. I can tell when something isn't right. Granted the plague of all winter colds has been going around so of course I initially thought that was what was going on. I mean I had pneumonia this year so I think my lungs are having a disagreement with my body. But I know when something is just a cold or when things aren't resolving. Or at least I think I do. 

I should mention, I'm also extremely impatient when it comes to health things. I admittedly have NO gauge about what it means to be sick, so I never know if though I am not getting better. It's a normal not getting better or if it's an actual problem. And let's just say this inability is ANNOUYING.  It was brought to my attention just now that it might not be impatience so much as anxiety. And no matter what you call it it pisses me off that my mind goes there. 

The shroud that surrounds the medical profession as a whole has been removed and I am not always that impressed by what I see.  It makes me want to take charge of my health care and to a certain extent I do. The limitations I've encountered have some to do with my time constraints and some with medicine as a whole. I get frustrated that I can't devote unlimited resources to determine if and when I have a problem and the best course of treatment. And the fact that medicine had limitations. We power things with wind. We send people to the moon. We should be able to answer why my lungs feel funny. 

Unfortunately the plan and simple fact is that it is not that simple. I am doing everything I can and now I have to wait and see how things play out. I'm fortunate enough I can see specialists without much of an issue. So that might happen. More tests might happen, and I will get to a point where I feel at peace with the answers. 

Wow the memories

I don't know how many people use the time hop ap. And I realize I'm a bit of a late adopter. Hey whatever. But as someone who really like nostalgic moments I sort of like it.... Sometimes it may be wrong. But today I got this 

And I can't believe it's been a whole year since I met all the amazing people and learned some amazing things.crazy and I can't wait for more to come

Puerto Rico weekend

16jan15-19jan15

What a weekend. For the 2015 MLK weekend extra long weekend I met Andrea, Christina and Allicia in San Juan PR for some wonderful beach relaxation. And that's exactly what happened. 

The travel overall was long and for the most part uneventful. Though I have to say I think I'm getting to old for long layovers unless we're talking a HUGE price difference. I spent close to 5hrs together in the Phillidelphia airport. It was boring. And like I said uneventful. But I really could have enjoyed a direct flight. Live you learn! 

Our Airbnb was super cute. I had to get there via cab late at night, which was interesting. Cabbies are very vigorous in their driving. But we were in the top apt so we had a roof deck. It was soooo nice. And so relaxing. We spent a large chunk of every night chatting on the roof, staying up later then I think anyone intended to.  And that's the great part of vacations.... It doesn't matter. 

Our neighboorhood ended up being amazing. With lots of cute cafés and the public beach 5 minutes away. 

One day we went to a different beach to the east. It was nice there cause there was less waves. And it was only about an hr away.  And we went to old San Juan one evening. Which was also interesting because we came on the weekend of the last festival of the Christmas season, and though I never made it to New Orleans for Marci gras, it sort of felt that it could be similar. Let's just say we caught a cab at 9pm. 

Overall it was extremely relaxing and fun to just hang with the girls, and be in a swim suit. 

Sequoia National Park in pictures

Some pictures of the forest

Goodbye 2014

What a year. I basically have no words to discribe all that has gone down.  There has been highs and lows. Growths and disappointments. And here we are on the last day of 2014, looking back but also looking forward. 

First a summary of 2014. 

The year started with a bang, literally. I went to 2 NYE parties that week. Which was something new. And an interesting experience.  Yoga Teacher training started shortly after that and it was a whirl wind from basically the first day.  I had a slight inside track from knowing so many people that had done it so when I had to teach on the first day it wasn't a complete shock.  In this wonderful vortex came the cancer diagnosis. It's word a that you never want to hear and especially never want to hear twice. I mean seriously.  But even the diagnosis as brought some interesting turns throughout the year. The spring and summer were treatment heavy and hospital heavy with dad joining me in a medical mess when he had a stroke on June 14th.  So let's say everything between February and about October is a bit of a blur. I know CC became a college grad and moved to NC. Congrats to my sis for becoming a real grown up (or employed grown up.... Juries still out on when one truly grows up)  and I finished treatment and Dad came home.  The final months of the year were still very much in recoop mode. I mean that's allowed I think.  With a wonderful trip to see stanley and Ricky (not the same trip) rounded out with me cooking the pork this year and getting pneumonia for NYE. So, it's been a whirlwind year. 

It's amazing to me that even in this mirriad of a storm of both good and bad, so much reflection has happened and I actually feel somewhat more intune with myself in ways that I never had before. Granted I still forget but I am much more aware of what I want the ideal to be. 

I am in the very beginnings of a career change. I have known for awhile that I didn't like what I was doing but it's finally solidified into something I think I could love. I'm a lot braver. I know I need to take things slow, especially since getting sick in December I have the reminder to listen to my bodies sudle suggestions to take it easy. Then I can hopefully avoid my body putting on the emergency brake and getting really sick. I know how I want to approaching romantic life and have started to work toward that, and I know I am mentally and physically stronger then I'll ever give myself credit for, but maybe sometimes it's ok to toot your own horn.... And taking it easy on day does not have any baring on your total stretgth quotient as a person. I've met a lot of amazing people in 2014 and I hope 2015 brings further development with those relationships.  

And finally I want 2015 to continue to develop myself.  Some words I keep in mind frequently. 

Calm, peace, love, strength, balance, back bone, smooth, let go. 

Through this year I will continue to journey into the relative unknown. I will play the "long game" and realize that even if you take the slow route you still get to where you're going. 

Year 3_ it was a biggie

7dec14 

Today marked the third anniversary of the start of my cancer journey. 3 years ago I woke up at the crack of dawn (4am) and checked into MGH for the bilateral mastechtomy that started me on a very different path then I imagined for myself previously.  Lots has happened including a replase. Which is probably the last word anyone wants to hear come out of a medical professionals mouth. But that is even done now and I have to believe that brighter things are coming. 

The interesting thing about being a cancer survivor is of course if you approach your treatment with outward signs of strength that is all the comments you get. When inwardly it's easy to focus negative, sad aspects of the fact that I've gone through a lot of crap.  Though I don't ignore the negative I chose to turn back to the positive aspects of my life and live that way. Making note of the negative and moving back to the positive at each point in my day. 

In celebration of the day I had a few thoughts. Last year I spent the day outside I have decided I want to incorporate that in all future years, using today to celebrate consciously the power of my body.

So the day started off by meeting my rowing partner at the gym.  The workout on tap was a killer. 

2 x 1000m 5 min rest in between 

2 x 500 m  3 min rest in between 

2 x 250 m  1:30 min rest in between. 

It was a tough but I rocked it. I was really happy with my times negative splits the whole time (which basically never happens) and broke 2min/ 500m for the last two pieces so that was amazing.  And tiring. 

After the workout I swung by Traders and got a green juice (sold at least at the TJs in Coolidge Corner) and went back to the parents. I had decided my outside adventure would be me and dad going to the arboretum. Which we did. 

 

I pushed dad to the top of Peters Hill, which was an event in itself because dad is heavy and that whole gravity thing. We made it up and it was worth it. Great view, and windy. And clearly cold.  Fortunately there was also a Good Samaritan that helped me get dad back on pavement. Wheelchairs are not meant for off roading. 

 

Just saying. 

After the mounting of the hill we actually went home because I wanted to go to a mediation group I've started going to. It's called Wake Up Boston.  Which is a group that study's the teachings of

Thich Nhat Hanh.   This was only my second time but I liked it a lot. We do a seated meditation, walking mediation And then discuss.  Today's was a bit different because instead of discuss there was a potluck. It was really fun and the people see nice, so I'm excited to keep going. 

I had a wonderful day and am continuing

To be happy to be alive.