Saturday, July 19, 2014

Tired... And pissed

I've addmittedly been in a bit of a funk as of late. And though I think it's perfectly reasonable to just be in a funk, a slightly longer term funk needs to be examined for causes, if there are any. 

So I've been doing that and I've come up with a few things. Not sure why they all of a sudden might have started bothering me, and frankly I Don't care. They do and possibly it's the additive affect that is finally starting to take its toll. 

#1 - the stares, I HATE the stink eyes I've been getting from perfect strangers. Who when I catch them flat out staring don't even have the decency to avert there eyes. I know me walking around with no hair is a bit odd, annomily, cause celeb, whatever but get over it people. On of the things they don't mention about cancer is how weird people get around it.  I'm lucky that my close friends have taken all my physical and emotion changes in stride, but the fact is aquantances and stranger get a D+ in how they act... Yes I'm asking a lot of strangers but still I should. Stop being a weirdo and avert your eyes god damn it. I mean it's hard enough functioning when you have cancer, getting stated at really doesn't help. I would wear a hat world if it wasn't for the fucking hot flashes... You try menopause at 31, in the summer and see how you feel. 

#2 - this stress is largely of my own doing. I am naturally a giver. I want to help and comfort and be there. And now my dad has moved to somewhere extraordinarily more depressing then Spaulding. He's in a rehab center/ old age home. Not only are the long term residents sort of sad( not that I'm saying old age homes don't serve a place... This is a gross generalization) but the building is cemenent and basically just depressing. The hard part for me being it's in west Roxbury... You know how long it takes to get from Malden to west Roxbury... 40 god damn minutes... It's not close. Even after a month I'm still trying to work out what is a comfortable amount of time for me to visit, that isn't going to wear me out and isn't going to make me feel guilty for not going. Still trying to work that out. I think this week we'll try less because I realized I've got basically 13/14 days... So that's too many. It's starting to frustrate me. I used go every day I could because I knew there would be days I couldn't, but clearly that isn't working.  Need to revamp... Definitely making me tired. 

#3 - just being tired , but then not sleeping well, and feeling guilty for being on sort term disability. 

I'm hard pressed to think that radiation is already taking a toll but maybe it is. I've basically been tired since the first day, and it's getting worse. I wish I slept better so then I would feel a bit more accomplished, but I don't... Fuck this long haul. 

#4 - it's been a little over a week and let's just say going to the hospital. 5 days a week is NOT fun ... There is nothing else to say about that. 

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