The sling shot

I don't know about most people but I personally think that most of the time I feel happy, relatively stress free and confident, maybe we'll call it a base line, "normal" and maybe we'll call it 75% of the time. And I think that's pretty good. I mean there are always going to be days, weeks that exist in the 25% of the time where you aren't at baseline. I'm here to say that lately I feel like I've been in that 25% a lot. And I mean A LOT.  And it's been hard.  I'm at the point where I don't know where my normal is anymore. Like seriously... 

It's been a definite challenge trying to embrace the uncertainty of everything. But at the same time that is sort of life... 

I mean no one knows what's instore for any of us. And it's actually in feeling my feelings and moving through them I've realized that, though anxiety and fears are perfectly valid feelings, it is vital to move through them because once you come out the other side it makes me realize life is pretty good. And everything  will work out 

Impatience

Ok so I have a lot of things to be impatient about. I mean don't we all.  We live in a society where I want to it all, and I want lit now is kind of the norm... And I almost forgot, I want it my way.  So it isn't a surprise to me that sometimes I get a bit testy when things aren't super smooth. 

That being said my biggest impatience (or one of... I'm not sure I want to paint myself in a corner) is with certain types of people. Who are they you ask? I can barely stand people who I perceive to be people that think they can A) very un cleverly pull a fast one on me or B) think I'm not smart enough to pick up on when they are full of shit or C) people that are so full of shit they don't realize how dumb they are.  

So yeh, it's been a interesting couple days. I've basically been dealing with A, B and C all in the same person. And it's driving me nuts. It doesn't really matter who it is, or where I know them from. But I'm baffled to wonder how someone who is technically speaking for one of my multiple employers fails to see the ridcuoulsness of saying things like "well there was a critic" and when I say what was the critic all I get is " oh just general feedback" ummm Not helpful!!!!

In any sort of employment situation I want to do good. So it is actually hard to hear well we want you to retrain but have no one tell you what the specific problem was. Or if there had been multiple complaints. I am fine with any sort of retrain, "extra" training situation, I mean I work there. They are in the end incharge. I'm not going to say no. Or I am smart enough to know that if I refuse I will no longer be their employee. But it boils down to not setting me up for success. And that speaks poorly of an employer. Really! And makes me seriously consider how long and how much association I want to have with them.  It's hard to not be offended being treated so poorly.  

Let's just say I'm practicing AHIMSA so hard these days. 

So this is my way of putting the universe on notice. If you have a critic, please tell me. If I ask for specifics please give them. And if you don't I will loose all faith in you ability to communicate and lead. And I will turn into the dragon slayer bad ass I have on my wall. 

Why NPs are awesome

I had a moment today that made me realize how much I want to be an NP or I guess why I want to be a good one. 

Some people are aware of my desire to become a nurse and it was this interaction that had made me realize again the important it is to have good people to talk to in medical situations and the importance of having someone there that can "talk you off the ledge". I also know I could be that person.

  I had been sort of freaking out about a few things and in the end the reasons don't matter. But I called my Doctor to come in and be seen. And because I could see her quicker they have me an appointment with the NP.  So I went in and went through the whole rigamaroll of what had been going on and how I was feeling, and see listened attentively. And when I was done said "ok we're going to do a full exam". She did the exam and then re-read some reports. And gave her opinion about what was to be done. Everything she said was very reasonable and she gave me her idea of the plan. 

The most magical part of the experience was after she finished her "we should do this.... " speach she asked me how I felt about it. It felt so egalitarian and in asking she acknowledged my fears and legitimized the freak out. And that was great. In doing that I realized a bit more that I'm doing the right thing, I'm fine and things will work out. 

Granted it's still hard for me to feel that way. REALLY hard depending on the day, but taking the edge off was great. 

Side note : she used the words "hot mess" more then once... Which surprisingly made things better. 

So why are NP's awesome. Because she took the time, listened and rationalized my fears, but didn't allow my fears to drive her decisions. She made me feel 50% less crazy, and that I was doing the right thing.  My main hope is that someday I will be able to do that for someone else. And in taking the 45 min out of my day, help someone make it through a tense few months. 

Cancer friends

28MAR15

Who are on the way to being just friends. 

This weekend was the Young adult Conference at Dana Farber and the first meeting of the Boston tribe for First Descents. So it was a sort of cancer filled weekend. I say that I realize it sounds completely odd to put on paper but the other awesome part about it was that it was an extremely positive weekend or actually long day. 

The day started somewhat early with a drive over to Dana Farber. I registered and got my stuff, and found a buddy from group.  It was really fun to see a number of people that I knew and had chatted with so it felt a little like a reunion... Since we all don't make it to every group.  The day started with a key note speaker and then it had 2 breakout sessions. 

The first session I went to was about mindfulness and mediation. This isn't exactly a new topic for me because of all the yoga action but it was interesting in this context. And realizing / being reminded how much time we spend thinking ahead to things and how trying to predict good or bad isn't the best way to go. Which I agree with and it's always a good thing to have my attention brought back to.  We did some walking and seated mediation. And it was nice. 

We then got a complementary lunch, which was delicious. And songs from a group from Berkely College of Music. Which meant there was a lot of really interesting arrangements of pop songs to  violin and gutair. We also pushed a bunch of tables together and had a good visit talking about everyday and cancer related thing.  It was so cool to talk to awesome people and have it feel normal.  It was like we were kids at school. 

After lunch we listened the couple that started the Andruizzi foundation, who also is a former Patriots player (pretty neat) he battled cancer and then started this foundation to help people pay bills during and after treatment.  

The final seminar was about dealing with uncertainty. And it was an ok seminar.  I felt that because the panelist were all in similar stages of their cancer experience it maybe focused a lot of the medical aspects of uncertainty, and didn't do a lot to assuage my fears. In fact the discussion made me more nervous. But it was still a good topic. In general, I could have appreciated a Better focus on the topic. 

After the conference I hoped in the car and drove up to Nahat. Nahat for those playing the distance game is an island on the north shore. 

Next to the beach.  The event was the first Tribe Event for the Boston First Decents group. 

FD is a group that runs trips for young adult cancer patients and survivors. And they send people to do adventure stuff, rock climbing, surfing, kayaking. For a week. This group is an off shoot of that, and they are trying to get more stuff going in the Boston area. 

The people I met there were REALLY awesome and it was so great to meet se other peps like me, that are doing there thing and dealing with cancer. And being awesome. A number of the awesome people from Dana farber were there. And it was amazing to talk to people in a house, and not a hospital setting.  It ended up being a really long day but the sign of a long day is you only notice how tired you are until you get in. The car. 

That's what happened, so I boogied home, had a final date with my couch and called it a night.