Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Slow it down, even more

So most of you that know me well know I have a hard time slowing down. I like to do lots of things that aren't work related so as a consequence I tend to push myself pretty hard.  And I like it. I love all the activities that I do and don't really have any desire to stop them.  Until I get cancer... Then I really don't have a choice.

I thought I'd been doing pretty good with planning my rest accordingly, and honestly I had been, until this past weekend. I basically had 4 things to do in 3 days... Theoretically no biggie. Haha I was wrong.  The end of that week was rough because the bone pain decided to kick itself into high gear. So by Friday I was pretty wiped.  Mom and I had plans to go to Book of Mormon, which we did and was awesome. But it got out super late..... Like 11. And so sleeping wasn't the best that night.  Worth it but it threw me off for the next day. 

The following day I had plans to go to nates class and then self care Saturday to make up some training hours. And unfortunately because of exhaustion, the make up hours won.  We won't have to mention the really bad bloody nose that happened during the class... No let's leave that out.  We all went to masa for a bit which was lovely and then I poured myself into the car. 

And Sunday I taught... Which I knew would be exhausting so I spent the entire day on the couch... I'm serious.  I think I sort of watched 4 movies.  

The main point is that I realized more then anything I have to be even more selective with my choices of activities.  Mainly annoyingly enough I do still have to go to work... Damn it... So that makes me sad. But I'll make it work and make as much of it count as I can. Damn it 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

First yoga community class


I taught my first full 90 min flow at Prana Power yoga in Winchester on Sunday.  To conserve my energy I spent literally the entire early part of the day on the couch, and surprisingly relaxed.  I came to the realization this weekend that even my original version of cutting back wasn't going to cut it, in terms of where my body is at.... So to be on the safe side couch it was. 

I knew the nerves would hit eventually, which they did on the Way over.  Not surprised and spent the car ride breathing. Fortunately because I didn't have a key I had to get there really early, so that stress was gone.  I chilled out on the curb waiting till I could get in. And then I made sure I was situated with the computer and stuff. 

Checking people in went pretty good, especially since I knew 4 of the 8 people that came. And there wasn't really a rush on things. I got the door shut and made my way to class. 

I changed the first half of class a bit, which was scary but fun.  I started them in child's pose which is how I like to start,  a good thing about teaching don't feel as repetitive. I also changed up the crescent twist portion, bringing in revolved half moon and standing leg split.  The two funny things that happened in the first half were I actually noticed when I said chatturunga instead of uttcatasana, which apparently has happened before but I had never noticed.  The second one was that I cued for everyone to take a high twist before going into crescent lung and literally one person actually did it. I was extremely glad for that because otherwise I probably would have thought I didn't say it.  So if helped to know that at least I said what I intended. And hey, apparently people really don't listen to you while teaching. 

The second half was more vanilla flow. The funny thing that happened there was I had sort of a ton of time left (an indication I could have probably held things longer) when I got pretty near the end of the flow that we learned.  So what did I do, held a really long half pigeon and added the quad stretch, cued supported fish.... Because who doesn't love it.  And did a whole 10 min savasana. Which of course meant I could assist everyone.   I'd say overall a win.  

I'd say I'm mainly excited that I got one down. Woot woot. And I also realized something else. I can time holds out by assisting. That way I'll be more likely to be balanced on both sides... Cause there is nothing more annoying then when one side is held longer then the other.  

Overall so excited to teach again, and looking forward to improving my skills.!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Becoming relaxed

Today I met my friend Anna for breakfast. This is not a surpremely revolutionary idea to most people, except its wednesday and I went to work after.  Granted me met early, 730 am but other then actually having to get out of bed when I was supposed to I didn't really wake up any earlier then I am used to doing.  We went to Commenwealth cafe in Union Square and had a lovely breakfast and chat and still managed to pull into work at 915. So not really much later then I get there on a bad day. 

The mind blowing thing about this idea was how easy it was.  I won't lie and say I didn't feel bad about it, since there is some sort of differnt  feel of getting to work "late" In my head because I just didn't get up and because I was doing something fun.  But it was really nice. And actually made me feel good for the whole day. 

Hope I can continue to relax into things as the cancer progresses and even after 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The bunny chronicles


Otherwise known as Easter.  

This year was a little differnt then others because neither of the siblings were around, so it was very small.  We went to church, no shock there, and dad and I were greeters. This was surprisingly less weird then I thought it would be. I'm not really sure what I thought would happen but the main thing didn't want was to be gushed over.  Sometimes I have this feeling like I have cancer, I'm dealing with it, and I don't want to hear that that I am impressive.  Granted sometimes that is nice, but not all the time. Because as I may have mentioned before it's not really a choice to be impressive, it just is. But now that I'm saying this I guess that is why it's impressive, because I'm not trying to be. 

So anyway, church was uneventful and then we had brunch with the bell choir. Which was tasty.  Dad and I went home and mom stayed for the second service. Most of the rest of the day involved me sitting or sleeping on the couch.  Concluded with dinner at my aunts house and getting a shot via Franni. But I was so happy to not have to go to work the next day.  And of course there was a eastern basket and bunny to be had. 
Who doesn't appreciate a nice fluffy bunny? I mean really, especially since the other ones came in chocolate form. 

The unexpected part of the day was that it really sort of brought me to think about my thoughts on religion.  Growing up we went to church almost every week during the school year. (Yes we had summers "off") but since college my attendance at church was realively sparatik, and the lastfew years  have consisted of mostly Christmas Eve and Easter.  

I started to think why that has changed, was the change intentional, do I want to go back go going to church. A lot of it I'm not sure about, but the one thing I know ins that though the change was not an active choice it is one im sticking with. 

It was a slow thing that I started to shy away from religion and into yoga. Over the years there has been parts about organized religion that never really jived with me. I really think that it was when I had cancer the first time that really put me over the edge. I mean how could I really be ok with a god and "person" that allowed me to get cancer. I was mad, and still am a bit at this person. That being said I believe that there is something out there that watching out for me. I have had to many instances that clearly were the universe watching out for me to not believe it, but the whole organized religion thing.... For the birds, and would I rather worship whoever by dressing up and going to a staunch building, or would I rather link breath with movement and send light out into the world. I'll take the light. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Chemo round 2 squares


Another day another day of putting poison in my body. I didn't sleep super well again. The anticipation is really the killer. Though each time is similar it's hard to know what each time is going to bring since it's breaking you down a little more, so there is only so much predicting you can do. 

Getting to the hospital was uneventful. Which is always good. I mean it's a little disconcerning when getting there is hard. But anyway. I made it to blood work, easy squeezy. Made my way down do get a cup of decaf. Because of the large span of time in between visits I am much more brazen about getting up an walking around. Cause really there is no reason to camp out in waiting room because it's stupidly boring. 

Browsed for a hats and picked up a new one
Very lady like for Easter.  And very soft. Made it through the doctors apt, and off to infusion. 

Again easy for the most part. My veins didn't want to play so nice so it was a two stick day, but once that got going everything went smoothly. 

Chemo mudra and what not to wear... Sounds good. 

I also had a bunch of visitors which was awesome. Erin came up from peds Orth, which was fun, and brought me fun surprises. Slippers, a yummy candle and a hat "buff" 

Who doesn't like animal print? My head is officially ready for spring.  And chai vanilla candles are yummy :-) 

Then Kate and Keith stopped by for a visit as well. It's nice to have some company for a Long day. 

Oh and finally I capitalized on the free massage service... Foot massage yes please.  All in all pretty smooth and a lovely day 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Yoga teacher training wk 10


Oh my god, it's almost over. I can't believe it. It's been an amazing ride and I can't believe it's over. But like when anything ends something else begins. I don't know what that is right now. But I know it will be awesome. 

Friday started with meeting up with Kate and making our way to the studio. Ironically we got a little lost, first time. Typical that is happens on the last Friday. Whatever we made it work. Friday we started with a little meditiation. Which is always nice, because I am lazy about meditating myself. Then we did the flow once through. It's amazing how much better everyone is, and the fact that we do the whole thing makes it energetically better to handle.  Then it was over.... And I was off to shave my head and watch GI Jane... Very appropriate. 

Saturday  I was tired from staying up to late to shave my head. Oops.  We started off with a discussion of what's next. Yikes so much to think about, now it's like do I do more training, get CPR certified, get insurance, where to teach, how much do you make... Ak, it sort of makes my head spin. I decided today (Monday) I'm going to focus on one opportunity at a time and see what happens, that way I won't overwhelm myself. If the universe decides to throw a bunch of things at me at once then I'll figure it out, but I think I'm not going to seek to much stuff out yet. Let's focus on  community classes and screening for sub lists... Though I may look at other studios to get on the sub list for.  

After that we moved into more practice teaching. Which was good. It's always good to move after we sit for a while. I didn't go until the second round in the evening. I got to teach integration and Sun salutations, which was good. It had been awhile since I had done that, so it was good practice. It's sort of funny that I get really unsure of myself then while I'm teaching this very directive authoritative person comes out. Clearly I got this more then my front mind thinks. Because when I let it flow out it comes... So there we go. 
And Franni helped me finish my hair

Sunday we did one more round of teaching, and chatting. And then we had cupcakes and the merryment commenced. 
The whole teacher training family. 
Then I turned into a rocker. Barely able to keep a straight face... I'm a laugher, deal with it.  

I officially have a yoga bandana now, thanks to Nate. 

The party continued at Rae Ann's and it was amazing. Happy graduation to all of us. 

Ode to hair loss


So this post had another thought for a title but I liked them both equally.... The other one was how to slap that bitch.. So both pretty good right? But anyway I digress. 

So one of the funny things about cancer is when you're feeling good you can kind of forget you are sick. Cause at least I'm lucky enough to not feel shitty all the time.  So that is awesome, but then things like "chemo" and "hair loss" start to happen and then all of a sudden you look like a sick person... And that sucks.  

First it starts with a little

And then you end up shedding so much you quite literately clog a drain. I am not kidding that happened. After that there is two choices, wait to see what happens or grab the bull by the horns. Since I have never been one to wait and see, I grabbed the bull by the horns, and took things into my own hands. 
It's coming off... 3,2,1
I started with scissors.  
Then clippers 
Then even shorter clippers. With a little help from Franni I got cleaned up and all done. 

By hair, hello bald and waiting for the bald spots. At least I won't be leaving a trail of my hair whereever I go :-) and even if I look like a sick person I won't feel like it.  So suck on that cancer... Can't get me down. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Feeling strong

Some days I wake up feeling good, some days not.  I think in general feeling strong has a powerful effect on me, and especially in dealing with cancer.  I mean its one time where your body feels like your enemy so proving that you are still in control feels really really good.

Today was a good example of that.  I payed a visit to Crossfit Boston and did a work out.  It was modified of course, and lower weight of course, but it felt so good to feel strong.  To pick up the bar bell and actually snatch, to feel the burn of burpees even.  You know I've reached a different level of things when I feel that burpees are a good thing.  It was a challenge but I still managed to do 10 in a row a few times and that felt awesome.  This whole cancer thing has been an exercise in meeting my body where it is.  I mean I have to and I know that, but the inner pusher in me doesn't want to.  I want to push just a little more, most of the time.   Especially in a crossfit sort of situation.  I want to keep up with everyone as best I can, not so much that I hurt myself but pushing to the limits.  And lets be honest, that can't happen right now... it just can't.  So doing this workout felt really good because I did my thing and was able to get some movement and strength in.  And that is important.  I remembered how good it feels to move and actually be sore in a strength way, and that is something that reminds me that I am a BAD ASS and can take on anything.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Life reflects yoga and yoga reflects life

It's sort of amazing how the crap that I deal with on a regular basis comes up in my yoga, and teaching yoga. It's sort of amazing how connected the internal body is to the rest of the world. In some ways it's actually a little creepy sometimes, but creepy good. 

So something I've been struggling with lately is simply put pinging on peoples radar. I spent so long trying to not get noticed even though I know I was, so now actively doing things to get noticed is scary and uncomfortable. And sometimes you ping on the radar in an undesired way.  Be it good or bad. It's hard to go from being someone that was actively trying not to be noticed to someone who is standing proud and tall and saying here I am. And that person (me) is a bit scared of it. It's sort of amusing that one of the main catalysts for being willing to stick out more was getting cancer again. I mean talk about needing an extra push out of the comfort nest. I mean seriously, but I guess that sort of falls under the everything happens for a reason and the universe only gives what we can handle. So I am aware now that maybe this happened to catalyze my person growth.  I must be meant for something great.  I mean really, why else would I be forced to deal with this stuff in such an up close and personal way. 

Anyway I digress, so one of the main reasons I was afraid to ping on people's radars was I was afraid that I wouldn't be enough. Whatever enough even means, and I realize now that enough is different for everyone... Huh if only my 14 yr old self knew that one.  I had an irrational fear. That still lingers, trust me it's a work in progress, that whatever I offered would be deemed unworthy.  

Now comes the yoga teaching. Standing at almost the finally of teacher training there has definitely been some anxiety over what happens next and will I be good enough, can I actually do this in front of people. Who knows? The realization came this weekend that yes I am good enough, but also that still doesn't mean that everyone will like what I have to offer. Everyone wants something different from yoga and all teachers have something different to offer. I mean that's why naming one favorite teacher is actually hard because I go to differnt people for differnt things. So the fact that there will be people out there that don't like what or how I teach and that it has no reflection on me, is sort of mind altering. I mean still scary cause rejection is never pleasant.... Who we kidding, but the fact that people can take or leave me, my yoga, my teaching, my self and it is not an assessment on me, but on them or how we connect at that particular time is an idea I really can clinge to.  The fear may always be there, but if I focus on not making it, whatever sort of interaction it is, not about my self worth or personage and about where the other person is at.... That is crazy and amazing and scary... And awesome

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Yoga teacher training wk 9


I can't believe that it's almost over. I mean it's been going on for a long time and I can't believe that I will be a "graduated" yoga teacher in another week. I mean crazy.  I don't feel ready, and I know I'm going to have to dive in and continue to practice and learn. But it's so weird to think I'm going to be teaching real people in real classes really soon. YIKES!!! 

So of course with the impending end of training what does that mean for training weekend, oh you guessed it. LOTS of practice teaching.  Apparently they started teaching the flow in chunks but going all the way through so that's cool. Friday we went through more anatomy and modifications for injuries. Which is really important because you need to know how go keep people safe in your class. It always ok to say you don't know but the more that you know the better off you'll be. 

Saturday brought teaching in chunks. The cool thing about this method is that I got to teach twice in one day. Which of course was stressful but fun too, twice the practice in the same day.   I noticed a big difference between the two times. I wouldn't say that either were great, but it brought up different things. Mainly I notice a big difference when I'm not grounded. Which is a really good thing to know. I think I'm at the point now where I need to notice what makes things feel off so that I can work to change that the next time. I mean certain times you are going to be off but it's good to know what that feels like. 

Sunday was a bit of a mishmash of things. We started off with a meditation. Which was nice, the more practice with those the easier it is. Did some practice teaching, I had to do the damn triangle series again. I think my main problem is I find the whole thing kind of awkward. I mean it starts off ok and then goes in an order that seems extremely unnatural to me. The one major good thing about that is I know it is weird to others cause when we first were learning it then other teachers had trouble explaining it how it's written in the manual.  So I know it's not just me. 

After we were done a few of us went to Masa for dinner. Yummy food and really great company. And as if we really didn't want it to end, there may have been a return to prana for the community class. Oh yeh... It happens... Yoga forever, and Mondays suck so let's avoid it as long as possible. 

It was an amazing and long weekend. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The word of the day is frustrated

Today is not a great mental space for me. I can't fully identify where the problem is but today has been hard.  I'm also a little made. I know I'm partially sad because I didn't get enough sleep, which on a normal makes me more emotional and these days really doesn't help. I had a wonderful fun time last night but I think I have to come the realization that at least for the next few month, late is 9 and 10 is bedtime. Which completely 100% sucks. I mean really if I stay up till midnight I turn into a pumpkin. Really, I mean I always sort of did but before, I am not going to sit here and say I had the magical ability to stay up late, cause no I did not. But I could power through one night without too much issue.  But not any more... Woohoo anyone out there want to get the early bird special at IHOP. That's about where the excitement train is going to end.  I fucking hate this. 

The second complete annoyance is the poop. In the last 18 hrs I've taken a dose and a half miralax, benifiber and like 4 colaces... And we've had only a small out of success. I know that my problems are at least partially anxiety driven, but really what the duck fuck.  Really.  I've said this before but I eat most of the right stuff body could you give me an allergy or call it a day. 

Anyways just gettin some of this stuff off the cheats makes thing better, so that's good. And soon I'll be done for the day. Woot. 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Yoga teacher training wk 8

28march14 - 30march14

So this weekend overlapped with chemo, so needless to say it was an interesting experience. I knew I wouldn't be able to make the whole thing, cause I didn't want to completely kill myself, but I was curious if the plan would actually work. 

I had the lovely Rae Ann pick me up at the hospital when I was done on Friday, and fortunately we had enough time to enjoy some tea and her couch before we went to training.  We also stopped for some really good soup in Woburn or Wakefeild... Not sure but it was good. 

Friday we practice taught and thank god
The universe didn't decide I should teach or assist. And we only did one person. So pweh! I had to through. I'm amazed how much better everyone is getting.  And the lovely Angela dropped me home. 

Saturday Angela picked me up and I felt pretty good. I slept for like 10hrs so that helped a bit.   I ended up only staying for the first bit, which was prenatal yoga. It was really fun and interesting and interesting that moms can do most of the poses, and a lot of the poses that moms can't do were sort of obvious. I mean doing cresecent twist with a belly, um I think not. Emily drove me home after that and I spent the rest of the day on the couch. With a quick visit by Mandy in the form of dinner... Cue Beethovens 9th.  !!! That was a huge help. 

Sunday I ended up driving myself because usually we have the same instructor for the whole day. So I knew if I wanted to leave early it would be impossible to get a ride home. I sort of can't believe I made it through the whole thing but I did. And the topic for most of it was Advanced poses. We did that for a round 3 hrs. So I practiced crow, tripod, tripod headstand, titivasana (that didn't happen ) balasana (figure 4 balance) and forearm stand. I'm decidedly better at being upside down than balancing. But hey it was really fun to play. I want to work toward scorpion because you look bad ass. 

Anyway, let's just say I pushed too hard so after I crawled home.... Assumed the couch position and was very thankful that I took Monday off. 

I think only missing 7 hrs the same weekend as chemo makes me an extra bad ass 

What the heck universe?

Be warned there maybe be poop talk, just saying. If you don't want to hear it, stop reading now. 

Ok I warned you. 

Moving on. So lately I've been more aware of the messages that the universe may be sending me, just in general. That doesn't mean I'm any good at decoding them, but I am getting better at seeing them.  So far there has been two that I've sort of been scratching my head at. 

First the non poop related one. So it's no secret I do all of my dating through online mediums.  It doesn't really matter which site or whatever but let's say I have a decent online presence in that realm.  Hey a girls got to shop around to get what she wants. Anyways, so I decided when cancer happened that I would basically take myself out of the market. I didn't disactivate anything but I said that would be too weird a thing to do, especially since I have to be decently selfish to do what I need to do. Not exactly the image of me normally. Anyways so I hadn't really thought about it, taking myself out of the running felt natural. And then the internet had other plans. After going through a semi dormant phase the accounts keep getting messaged.   I think the universe wants me to re-evaluate.  So I did and then I realized that saying I have or saying I had cancer really sounds about the same. So why not at least enjoy some email flirtation....if I get to the point of meeting anyone in person we can decided what to do from there.  Thanks for the curve ball universe.... Maybe I was being to hard on myself. 

Now on to the poop.  So a few people know that I have had digestive issues like forever. I mean if you've traveled with me you've seen the miralax. 
Or in one case participated :-) 

So when one of the chemo drugs was said to prompt bowel evacuation I was actually excited. Which I know is weird. But at least it would be a few months of not having to worry about things in that department.  Unfortunately things have not quite flowed in that way, and in fact have been closer to a pain in the butt.... Literally.  I don't know if the stomach cramps are me or the chemo but it's like seriously. I wouldn't even mind running to the bathroom more often... I mean I drink a lot of water so that happens anyway. But could I digest without some sort of issue for some part of my life, especially when the rest of me feels like crap. 

I actually realized I had one more irony. So I have to take this shot that permots white blood cell growth after chemo, and one of the side effects is bone pain.  Last time I had to take it too, and didn't really remember any such pain. The irony being that Claridon for whatever reason elevates the pain, and last time I was popping those puppies like candy. So guess who on the urging of the acupuncturist went of Claridon 2 months ago... This kid. So at least for now back on the Claridon right before and after the shot. 

Yay more pills. Oh universe you're such a jokester