Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Less than Desirable

The last few days have been sort of tough.  I knew when i was going back to the gym that I wanted to talk to someone about training because the sensations were so weird. So it was good to get to talk to a PT at MGH the other day.  But the unfortunate part is the fact that i'm basically completely impatient.  She said that everything I was doing was good. Go slow, not too much stretching, work on cardio and core.  So thats easy enough.  But at the same time she said it can take up to a year to feel normal.  God I hope not.  I mean I really want to get back to being a bad ass sooner then that.  And now that i have to see this commercial regularly

Its not helping...not at all.  I am still being good but I just want to feel normal again.  God damn it.'

Second less desirable.  Grad school update
Western Carolina - NO
so just waiting to hear from Georgia state...but i'm not expecting anything.  I mean i try not to think that my potential career is just not happening.  But its not looking good.  At this point I just want to be able to close that chapter and move on. So come on GSU....give it to me.  And incase you were wondering I'm not expecting to get off the waitlist at MGIHS.  So whatever. Maybe i'll move to new zealand and heard sheep.  I know someone out there would agree with me. :)

The only good thing is that i got my midterm back.  And did really well.  Go figure.  I really just want that to be over. But i have to be done by the 19th of march so its almost done.  I have the final scheduled so i just have to go and type my brains out.  I might not even study.  Its not like it matters at the moment.  

Off to have some Peanutbutter cup icecream and go to bed. 

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Graduation day

I officially graduated from the infusion room. I went in today to get my last neulasta shot today so I'm officially done. I am so at peace! It is odd though that something that has really been part of my life for the last two months is over. I'm thrilled that it's over but not I have to find normalcy again. Which it's really been almost three months since normal behavior. So I've forgotten what it's like. I'll find it again. But I seriously have to think about it alittle. Also there is the aspect that I still get really tired so I don't have a whole lot of options during the week anyways. But I definitely won't get ahead of myself.

On the docket for the rest of the weekend. Watch a million episodes of the L word and take a million naps :)

New names

My mom mentioned before I really started things up that part of going through cancer is you develop a weird kind of morbid sense of humor. It that vane I want to make a list of all the new names for me head in its new state
Cue ball
Beach ball
Bowling ball
Cucumber head
Fuzz head
And my favorite
Peach head

Friday, February 24, 2012

Last call

Today is the last chemo. I'm actually almost done with treatment. Which is so weird because all the previous times not only did I start an hour earlier then the previous times, but also I haven't had any issues... Which has happened the previous times. Soo woot woot. I'm almost done.

Unfortunately I've actually been sort of nauseaous all day. I hope this is not a sign for the rest of the weekend. But we'll just have to wait and see. At least I know I have lots of apple sauce. I

That's all for now. Getting out of here shortly

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ah :)

Midterm done
I'm exhausted

Midterm time

Off to take my exercise physiology midterm and hoping I don't get evangelized to in the mass bay caf. Wish me luck

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Morfly morf

Why is it short weeks are always do long? I mean I've only gone to work two days and it feels like its been ways longer. So I'm happy I only have half a day left. Woohoo

I just got back from visiting my grampie aka morf. He is back in the hospital but doing really really good.. He is actually back in the same room he was in the last time. So going had a bit of a dejavu. I even recognized a nurse on the floor. Totally weird. This time at least he is up about and coherent. So it's different but the same.

And now off to bed :)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Vacation Monday

Happy vacation holiday Monday! Of course I sooooo don't want to go to work tomorrow. But whatever. Got to go.

I made it to the gym again today. It was nice... But now I'm tired :)

Today's workout
30 min elliptical
Chest press machine 10lbs.
Seated leg curl machine
Push presses
Front raises
- both with 6lbs med ball

It was good. My upper back is tired. So I know I did something.

I decided I'm going to ask to talk to a physical therapist about training because I'm realizing though I don't need someone to give me daily exercises but get a training plan from someone who knows what order to develop the muscles in. Wouldn't it be nice if I could do it myself. But that's a whole different problem.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Slow flow

I went to yoga tonight and it was fabulous. Prana unplugged @ Prana newton. It was an excellent class. Slow flow and meditation. Which was a nice surprise because I didn't have modify as much as if it was a power yoga class. And I loves the music. Then I've come home and gotten into the lazy. And Watching star trek. All in all an awesome day

Chocolate Sundays

Today was an awesome day so far.  I work up in my usual early as all get out fashion (aka 7:30)  Because I have to stay hydrated it makes staying asleep for really long periods of time difficult.  But I make it work.  I watched my netflicks, Something Borrowed.  Though the book was about 100 times better.

Then I got ready and had a lovely get together with my girl S. We went to Max Brenners.  Which means hello Mexican hot chocolate, diamond biscuits and chocolate licks. It was of course awesome to get out, and feel like a human for awhile.  Since I spend so much time at home these days any time I get to go out and be social with others, especially really good friends is always good and much appreciated.


After brunch we went on a hunt for earmuffs.  Unsuccessfully.  And went to Aveda to cash in on some free sample thingies I got.  Additionally I picked up this new hair stuff that they sell that's supposed to promote hair growth.  I figure I'll try it in a month and hey can't hurt right.  I would like to get from the cue ball to the "buzz" cut phase as quick as possible. Because once I have a full head of hair I could see myself rocking the really short look.  But not till then...except for at yoga.

The other exciting thing, thanks to S that I am now the owner of one of these 
and one of these
I will offically be the most fleecy person on the block.  Thank you S.  :)  I feel slightly silly to be excited but I am. And everyone should be jealous :)

Just kidding.  Don't care what others think but i am excited. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Gangster workouts



I went to the gym today.  Woohoo!  I will say after over two months of not lifting the little tiny amount I did do made me actually very tired. I'm excited to get back to lifting even a small amount.  I want to find my muscles so to speak before going back to crossfit....so i don't become crippled or do myself permanent harm or something stupid.  

Today''s work out
15 min on arc trainer getting increasing resistance
20lbs biscep curls (set of 10)
10 body weight triceps dips
10lbs overhead presses (set of 10)
10lbs front raises (set of 10)
10lbs bent rows (set of 10)
a few core exercises
90lbs squats on machine
and then i tired this hamstring machine which involved sticking my butt in the air.  really fun and really good

Though this was one of the weenier workouts I've like ever done..i am totally tired.  The weirdest part was when I tired to do a push up.  Having plastic stuffed on top of your pectoral muscles means that any time they contract you feel sort of everything.  Its completely completely weird.  so lets just say push ups are off the table for the moment.  But it felt completely unnatural.  I think for now I will be just doing straight arm planks to get used to putting weight on my arms at all.  Will have to see how I feel tomorrow...but right now I'm tired :)

Friday, February 17, 2012

Social Fridays

I am soooo happy this week is over. It's been one of those weeks that work has just dragged on and on. And I just actually didn't have that much to do which made it all the more boring. I go through these phase at work where I'm just so not into it, and then it's not so bad. Unfortunately this week was a totally not into it week.

Though today was good and marked an occasion into itself. My second time at a social hour at work. Which was fun. I am definitely mellowing out at work, which is always a good thing and now that I'm here to stay I want to try to enjoy the more social aspects of things.

I totally feel like a spazz right now. I guess that's what I get for being exsausted. Not a bad thing, but brain freezing for sure:) I'm enjoying the long weekend already.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

V day

Happy v day to all :)

Sucky monday

Grad school update
1 - waitlist (same as before)
5 - no's
2 - who the hell knows

so that was the news i came home to last night.  The last hold outs are georgia state and western carolina..so we will see what happens there.  At this point I am definitely getting a bit disheartened.  I mean duh.  Of course I am.  My mom did put it nicely last night before she took me and the oldie (grampy) to ihop.  She said you know if this "cloud" doesn't work you'll just find another cloud.  I'm not going to be able to explain it well but basically in terms of long terms goals there is always something else that you will be striving for and its like the clouds in the sky.  If you decide not to go for one, or one doesn't work out, another will eventually float your way and you can go for another one.  and she also brought up the point that after all the prep and school and stuff it would still turn into the 9-5 slog of it all alittle bit.  Of course the environment would be completely different then it is now.  But she does bring up a valid point that going to work is still going to work and you have to find the joy in life in the stuff around it.  Not in the work.  Which i do beleive because i don't want, and i don't think i am one of those people that defines myself by my career success.  I mean to be quiet honest i've never really felt all that sucessful at work  I mean i just do what i'm supposed to and then I go home.  So don't think thats going to change.

The only really frustrating part is of course that the decition is being dictated by what i did in college.  Its very unfortunate that things don't seem to take into consideration growth and maturity.  Like getting all A's would make you a better PT.  Its complete bull shit.  But whatever.  2 more to wait for...and its not over till the fat lady belts one :0)

In other news...i've been having the weirdest cravings lately.  Salty salty salty.  I've always been a more sweet then savory person until now.  Not that the sweets don't sound appealling but not nearly as much as the salty.  Very weird.    But in the spirit of giving my body everything that it wants and tells me it craves...pass the chips. :)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Simple pleasures

Today's simple pleasure was walking to the post box around the block. It didn't feel awful but it wasn't the best thing in the world. Hopefully i won't be so wiped out tomorrow cause work will suck if that's the case. At least I've been able to eat more today. So things are on the mend a little.

My mind has been going in a million different directions today too. I means especially after getting another no from the school front I am so done with the stupid exercise physiology course. Unfortunately the wait list school had it as a pre rec so I still have to do it. Though I am so done.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Greetings from the bed

Hello from the bed. Another round done and over. Now my job is to ride out the symptoms again. Which are strangely enough different then the last time. Ma put it apply in that it seems to be a mix of the first and second time. The exhaustion is definitely worse and the nausea is definitely better then time 1 but worse then time 2. So go fire. It weird to be thinking that im chemically beating up my body and slowly feeling the effect. One more time. Just have to keep saying that, and then as I get better ill actually get better. Woot woot

In other news I did get the go ahead go start lifting again. Which is nice that I can "legally " lift something bigger the. A milk jug. It is a bit of a catch 22 cause I can lift but I have no energy so at least for the. Next couple days I wont be doing much of anything. I am determined to get to yoga this week. The benefit of it being within walking distance of my house :) we will see how it goes.

Next weekend is a three day weekend with no chemo so that is good.

Grad school updates
3 - no's
1 - wait list
4 - haven't heard squat

My biggest fear with all of this is the actions of my past (aka what I did,or didn't do at Rhodes ) will make the decision for me. After everything I want to be able to make the decision myself not have them all say sorry you cant come. I mean I'm in a completely different headspace now then I was a year ago. So im currently not even sure what I'm going to do , but I still want to decide. Totally different.

Anyways back to watching long way round :)

Friday, February 10, 2012

Seventy five percent.

Today marks the 75 % mark of my chemo journey. Can we cue handel. "for the lord god omnipotent rein-eth hallelujah hallelujah " I'm currently in the infusion room and things are going very good. Compared to the last two times it's been good. The pump is even behaving for now.
I'm also up to 240 cc. So the filling is coming to an end soon as well. I have cleavage. Although its sort of square. And just have to get alittle more. Then I'll have to schedule the swaparoo.. Woot woot. It's hard to remind myself that it's going to get ironed out when I get the other ones. Though looking at square is tough.
Well this week hasn't been bad. I've been in a pretty ok headspace. Compared to last Sunday. I'm coming to terms with the exhaustion which is tough since I was so active. That is supposed to be cumulative so I have to just come to grips with being tired for the next couple weeks. Also coming to grips with the hair coming out. Ma called me a peAch. I'm getting used to it but now that I really have a sick persons head it's a bit different. On a brighter note I still have some eyebrows. Which is awesome.

That's all for now. Here's my current view. Not so shabby

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Sunday

Today, I've actually been alot of things.  The day started off great.  I laid around, which is always enjoyable and watched the end of Eclipse...have to prepare for the next Twilight movie (actually breaking dawn was my favorite of the books so I'm hoping I like the movie the best.  I have to say I wish they we're splitting it up cause its guaranteed to annoy me alittle.

  Then  I went out and got my fingers done. ( I picked a fun color ) which is why I had to display.  Ma's eyes bugged out a bit when i showed her but I like it so poo poo on you. 

I also got some errands done which is always good.  I stopped by Target to check out the Jason Wu stuff. They weren't completely wiped out but it was all large and extra large so I didn't buy anything.  Though the tops were cute.  I did get a green dress, which hopefully will look good with my boots and leggings and make a nice work outfit.  Once it warms up about 30 degrees we will see.  A quick stop at Stop and Shop to redeem water bottles and I went home.    One a slight side note.  5 gallon water bottles are great.  My brother gave my a water cooler thingy for Christmas, (random present for some but some of you know how much water I drink...so not random at all)  In acquiring the dispenser I don't think any of us realized you could redeem the water bottles for essentially what you pay for them.  So in my trip to Stop and Shop I suddenly became $12 richer...just for recycling.  Can you say..easy healthy money. 

Once home I haven't accomplished much.  I had the thought about going to the gym (aka do the elliptical, still not cleared for weights)  but didn't because  I decided printing out the rest of the power points for my hated online exercise physiology class was a better idea.  I really hate the class, and I think because its weighed on my mind 2 months longer then it should of isn't helping.  On line classes basically suck, and then to take a 16 wk pain in the ass and make it a 24 wk pain in the ass...hasn't help.  Since I don't really have the energy to work on it is not like its getting done any quicker. Fortunartly I have 4 assignments left.  So it will be getting done soon.  But thanks Cancer for dragging that shit out.  I mean really thanks.

I had dinner with mom, and have spent the last bit of time actively not watching the super bowl...so active in fact I don't even know the score.  Will investigate after posting so I don't sound like a complete twit at work.  But I just watched 50/50 (the movie about the kid with Cancer) and though it sounds dumb to say it made me realize what I'm feeling right now is MAD.  I'm mad that I'm so tired all the time.  I'm mad that just as I was finally getting the energy to start actively trying to date I get diagnosed with cancer.  I'm mad that every time I get a head ache or something aches or whatever I have to think if its cancer related, life related or I don't know.  I'm just mad that my head itches and I really hope that goes away once the hair is GONE.  I'm mad that even though i shaved it on monday i seem to have gotten all my hair every where and every time i put on a shirt its got hair on the inside. Today I'm just mad and sad.  I mean its just sad. And this isn't even my first physical trama thing to go through.  Its like what the hell.  I've gone through two other really major tramas when really I lead a healthy life style and I'm a normal person.  But yet, I almost get a detached retina in the 9th grade (softball)  I have corrective surgery after freshmen year for a malformation and now this.  Like what the hell. 

Maybe thats why in general i've been able to deal with this shit.  I mean it sucks and all but you just have to put one foot in front of the other and just deal with it.  But lets make a deal...lets not have any more that involve death as a possibility.  I'd be really ok with that.  Thanks.


I think i need to go to yoga tomorrow. And bed today.  Night all.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Weather patterns

Today was a good day.  I went ICE SKATING!!! with the AOPi alums.  It was fun largely because I did not fall and my feet are only slightly worse for wear.  Which is good since of course the last time I went was likely um...10th grade. So its been awhile.  Additionally of course it was nice to get out of the house and see people.  I think one of the hardest things lately has been that I'm exhausted ALL the time.   So I don't do much after work and going to the doctors.  I feel like I've been stuck under a rock for awhile, for a good reason.  It was good to spend the day out and about with some lovely ladies.  I tried a new burger place, or new to me as well.  4 Burger.  VERY TASTY.  Any place that does a grass fed beef burger is ok in my book.

When I got home, I did what has become the daily ritual of examining my bald spots.  And of course they are getting bigger.  I'm so glad that I did shave it because at least the hair just comes out as fuzz.  Its not nasty and stringy.  just really really really ITCHY!  I've been spraying Aveda toner on my head to help with the moisturizer problems.  Not patchy enough  get it one there now though.  I don't want to feel gloppy either.  But in examining the head I've decided my hair growth patterns is nuts.  I knew I had cowlicks, but HOLY SHIT.  I never imaged they were as ridiculous as they are.  I mean hello hair tornado.   I'm actually forever in dept-ed to all the people I've gotten hair cuts from because the fact is the top of my head grows in like 4 directions and the fact I ever looked good is a miracle of god. 
So lets just say, hair dressers out there.  I salute you!



Thursday, February 2, 2012

Lunch surprise

I had blood oranges today! I knew I was but I'd never actually eaten one, so that was fun. And FYI they are tasty. So that was a fun surprise.

I've been so lazy about packing lunches lately. So when I do they aren't the most healthy thing in the world. Since it takes to long to prepare a salad these days. But today was good. Trader joes Palak paneer, green beans and oranges. Lots of green stuff, so nice spices and protein. Finished off with lime green lifesavers :) totally accidental but amused now that I just realized it