Tuesday, February 25, 2014

It's all about perspective

I had an interesting moment about perspective today. So first of all it's officially offical offical. When you go to the doctor and they say that you have ductel carcinoma then there's really no going back from that. There is only moving forward. They don't say that unless they are pretty damn sure.  

But the perspective moment happened with the surgeon. Basically she was telling me what the plan would be to remove said tumor, or what we're really calling it... The bitch. And basically it's an office visit.  I can shower the next day, and she basically said I could run right away. The only thing she advised against was crossfit. Not really surprised there. So I'm super excited. I mean I won't have to be completely bed ridden and that is awesome. 

I realized when I got home that I have a skewed sense of medically hard. I mean getting cut is still getting cut but I had to laugh a little because after hearing that I was basically like, oh I got this... No biggie. Who says that? 

You know who.... This bad ass. I am so much stronger than I even know. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

Why crushes are good and bad

So yeh, this is sort of a random thought I had recently. I have a crush or did, and I think that's great. It never a bad thing to get that flutter in your stomach that sort of reminds me of being 12 again. I mean that was before any of us realized that it was our junk talking to us. I mean what's wrong with that. Right? 

Well the "problem" at least for me is the fact those feelings are really hard to turn off. I know at least for me crushs tend to develop on people. I don't know that well. I mean that's really what a crush is, a visceral response to someone's first impression or looks, am I wrong?  So even when further knowledge makes it pretty clear that said individual would be a poor choice for romantic partner it does nt turn the feelings off.  And then when said individual starts to make advances on someone else... Ouch. That never feels good. 

But you and I have to remember. First it is more than likely that the person didn't know. Or have any idea. So they really can't be faulted for any sort of secondary hurt feee fees. And the second thing to remember is that you are a bad ass and awesome and anyone is fool to pass on the strength, compasion and friendship you have to offer. So their loss :-p  

Friday, February 21, 2014

When your world crumbles

I feel numb. The one thing that you fear when you have cancer, especially at 28, is that it will come back. I mean you muster through everything the first time, get to the end and think "ok I made it, now I can get on with my life." I mean really who wouldn't think that. Life throws you a wrench and you manage to dodge it, sort of, but you come out the other side thinking you'll never have to deal with that again, minus an overly close relationship to a few physicians.  Until it turns out life throws you another similarly shaped wrench. 

Oh yeh that's right like a really really bad zombie move, the cancer is back. I found a tiny hard pea sized node on Monday and now on Friday it's definitely cancer. I've had a cat scan, FYI barium is gross... Really gross.  And a fine needle biopsy. Which is how they found it to begin with. 
Fortunately today I found out the scans were clear, a very good sign, but still getting more studies. And probably more blood draws because who doesn't love those. But things are progressing nicely, in a manner of speaking. 

At this point my emotions are all over the place. I mean I'm pissed, duh. That sort of goes without saying, but I'm scared and worried and confused as well. I mean that's the scary part. Now that the hard part. The future and what the hell is going to happen. The only thing I know for sure is its one day at a time. And somehow I'll get through it. 

And as stanley told me 
"We're going to slap the bitch " 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Crash B's 2014


I did something very different this Sunday and it was awesome. I have been doing an indoor rowing league with the renagade rowing club all winter. It was in part to train for the crash b international rowing competition.   Which is a 2K race held at BU. 

It was crazy.  There were ~ 60 ergs set up and tons of heats going on all day. 

In the hockey rink. It was a little crazy. But really fun.  I was in the 30-39 women category.  And I did really well. 

I went early to watch Thor go, here's the pre photo for me. I had about 3 hrs to chill when that was taken. 

Then I rowed a 8:14 and killed it.  Though the chest congestion I had didn't help. But I'll take it. I think I finished around 20th in my category, hey not bad. 

And here's the whole crew. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Yoga teacher training week 3

07feb14- 09feb14 and the surrounding week

It was another emotional week, which is starting to feel more normal. The more I think and talk about it I really realize how great it is to be differnent and realize that I need to start / continue wearing my monikers of difference with pride because it is our differences that make us all the same. 

That being said, I shared my paper this week. It was emotional because basically when is talking about the effect cancer had on your life not emotional. But it felt really good to sort of release the beast, in a very supportive and loving environmet, and with other grown ups.  I have begun to realize that part of my insecurity with my differences has stemmed from the fact that differences are something to be laughed at, or ridiculed when you're growing up. And ill admit I was an easy target. 

I have always been a bit of an old soul, or older soul. I only recently started to feel that myself is sort of more in sync with those around me. And I have a tendency to stay weird shit, or say stuff weird.  Maybe it stems from my geek-dom, but who knows.  Honestly that's not the point and I sort of don't care. It's part of me.  But needless to say the fact that since I was little I've gotten made fun of how or what I say or do, it's made it hard as an adult to open up.  

So sharing my paper was a tough bar to clear. I wanted to, but I was nervous about how it would be received. I mean I don't want pitty. I never have. Cancer happened and I'm dealing with it, working on living my life to the fullest. There isn't any room in there for pitty.  And I didn't get it. I did get admiration, which is something I have a hard time accepting too. It's not even that I purposefully undervalue the experience but because I put blinders on and spent 6 months dealing with cancer and 6 months truest recooping from cancer it doesn't feel like that big a deal. But I'm realizing that, it is! 

The last two years have shaped me as a person in so many ways. And I'm finally beginning to realize that even though I may never feel strong, or with it, that is just a feeling and the reality is that I am, and I can handle a lot. 

So needless to say it was a very tiring day on Saturday but now that it's out there I really look at all the adversity I've encountered as a good thing. I can show people, accidentally because it's not like I mean to, they a positive outlook is a good thing and achievable. Even though I continue to work on being more positive myself, it's possible even when life throws you a mother of all curve balls, and good things can come out of it. I mean like any step in a journey. Had I not gone through that I would never have gotten deeper into my yoga practice and therefore become a yoga teacher (becoming.) 

It's all meant to be. 

I close with one thing I sort of leaned this weekend as well.  

Namaste obviously has a bunch of translations but one is something like "we now to that which is the same in all of us". Pretty cool, even in feeling different we are all the same. 

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Why phone a friend is awesome

Ok this post is kind of just for me, but here we go. Actually they are all just for me... So there :-p 

Anyway, it was recently brought to my attention that I diminished an accomplishment because I had the help of a friend. Actually it was that a friend talked me out of doing something that could have been emotionally pretty devastating.  And though the end result, was the good emotionally healthy result, which is really the important part of the whole cenerio I shluffed it off because I had help. 

That is what's annouying about our culture. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and actually it's better. I mean more brains, more hands more eyes the better. Right? I still have my own conscious thought and ability to reason but there is nothing wrong with taking a pollin sample before making a decision.  And frequently it can lead to making the better decision, more true to self choice. 

In this case and probably many other bad  decisions, I made them while trying to be someone that I am not. It's more important to accept the way you are and your nature and realize that's ok. There is no reason to try and prove something to someone that really isn't you. If you're bothered be bothered, and don't pretend otherwise. 

So I realized that it doesn't matter how you get to the right decision. Just that you get there, and if you had to lean on someone to do it. Then more power to you. 

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Yoga teacher training wk 1 + 2


It's been a very emotionally charged bit of time. Yoga teacher training started and brought with it lots of good  things and reasonable heap of stress. Starting with the fact that I had to write a paper I sort of assumed was due in April in about 5 days and it supposed to be 10 pages minimum, cue the panic, but I got it done.  And I'm definitely feeling a bit more at ease on the work load front.  The rest of the two weekends brought with them getting to know 14 other really amazing individuals and I look forward to getting to know everyone better.  I'm thankful already that the training is so small.   Much less stressful for me, who is not a huge fan of groups.

Possibly as a consequence of the paper or the fact that I know I have been internally searching for things to change I've made some really strong realizations about my self, and my nature.  The smallest of which are "I am important".  Thinking about my yoga journey sparked a lot of correlations and I realized the source of some things. Mainly my strong desire to blend into the background, and how this desire starting in middle school.   I have felt and been different for basically as long as I've known that being different can get you made fun of.

Its only recently I realized that being different and having a different experience is an asset, not a flaw.  Its a hard less to wrap my head around, but I know over time it will happen. I mean for someone who hates being different I sure have an interesting way to avoid it.  I mean the initial way I was different was physical.  I was basically an extremely late bloomer, so much so that doctors questioned the functionality of my body.  I had my first cat scan at 16, so freaked out I had to sit on my mom's lap before.  No i'm totally serious.  

When we weren't talking physical things,   I mean most of my interests even now are a little atypical.  I went to a liberal arts college and majored in chemistry...I played bassoon for 15 years (some of the time it was almost as tall as I was)  I like group fitness, crossfit and yoga.  And I am a breast cancer survivor.  I mean the last really makes me a feel like a special case.  Though there are a lot of breast cancer survivors out there, it is way less common to hear that from a 31yr.    So anyway.  I am different but I am slowly realizing it makes me more of a bad ass.  In my own special way.

So what does this have to do with yoga teacher training.  Well, on its face not much.  But I am realizing as I go through this that the only way to become a good teacher, a teacher I would like to go to, is to truly now, better late than never become the most authentic version of myself.  And I'm dying to see the transformation at the end.