Thursday, July 24, 2014

Ode to femininity

I've been thinking a lot about what makes you feminine and what makes you not. In an age where gender has basically become relative and one can use whatever pronoun one wants to describe onesself, what makes me a girl.

I think I've been thinking about this mainly because it's hard to feel pretty when you're being medically assaulted regularly and you are legitamatly unsure on what part of your body is going to work at any time, it's hard to feel like the lady you know you are. 

I'm not going to lie and say before this I always found myself pretty, because that would be a joke. My outward and inward appearance has been a constant re-evaluation for basically my entire adult life. 

I'm at a point in my life where I'm pretty happy with the inward. There are things I would change, thoughts I wish I could erase, but overall I think I have very pretty insides.  The outside has been more of a struggle.  So at a time where I am not a huge fan of the way I look, and the fact is out of my control that I look this way, why not examine things that I feel are truest feminine, especially when my very essence of femininity (estrogen reseptor positive tumor and all) is really the cause of it.  

Maybe a better title would be "what makes me a women" 

We'll start with the obvious... Lady parts. Them I've got and them I'm a fan of.  Even if boobs get in the way sometimes. Long hair... Oops don't have that, but does that make me womanly... I'm going with no. Yes I'd like more then I currently have 
Still a bit sparse up top. But I've spent a long part of my adult life with short hair and I think that wear I'll stay.  Lady like eyebrows... Ok don't laugh... Naturally I have eyebrows that look sort of like I was related to Andy roonie.  They are sparse right now, which I can deal with. And I already have a close and personal relationship with an esstitition (think that's 
How you spell that word) which brings up my next point... Body hair.  This is actually something in general I've never minded. Who gives a shit if I'm a girl with hairy arms? What they forget to tell you when they shut down your ovaries is that your ability to grow a mustache exponentially increases... Thank god I already know someone who's good with the hot wax.  My desire to or desire not to wear makeup, jewelry or "girly" clothes. And this is where I think today's society is kind of awesome.... Whoooo cares? Being someone who does or doesn't do those things does not make me any more or less pretty. Granted if I feel better in something that's one thing( yoga pants anyone) but otherwise big freakin woop.  If I am someone who wears a dress once a year at Easter it really doesn't make me any differnt. 

In my opinion the. Best part about being a women in today's society is the ability to be whatever. If I'm never described as glam, or fashionista that is not going to break the bank. I'd rather have descriptors like 
Self reliant 
Muscle- y 
Good listener 
Great cook 

And really the rest doesn't matter one bit

Sunday, July 20, 2014

The day I taught two yoga classes


A little while a go I  offically made it on the the substitute teacher list at prana power yoga. Woo! That was exciting and then it was just trying to get up enough nerve to sub a class. Which actually took some nerve. I mean you have the power, but to know that you can actually use it and try and teach real people who won't know that you graduated teacher training 3 months early. Yikes!!!! Excited but scary. 

Anyways I woke early and made my way to prana newton. I wanted to be awake long enough that I'd be decently chipper by 6am.  I had a good group. I noticed I tend to repeat the same word a lot while teaching. In this case it was begin. I just kept saying it... Like I couldn't help it. But otherwise I was pretty happy with the class. 

I continued on with my day and around 4pm got the call to teach the 730 in Cambridge. I was already going to be there anyway to assist so teaching was an added bonus.  The second time was even better. I didn't forget to teach bridge (note to self... If you miss bridge,  don't try to put it after pigeon, doesn't work) and I fit in more stuff in a better amount of time. 

Overall it was a really awesome time, and I'm really glad I tore the bandage off and started teaching 

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Tired... And pissed

I've addmittedly been in a bit of a funk as of late. And though I think it's perfectly reasonable to just be in a funk, a slightly longer term funk needs to be examined for causes, if there are any. 

So I've been doing that and I've come up with a few things. Not sure why they all of a sudden might have started bothering me, and frankly I Don't care. They do and possibly it's the additive affect that is finally starting to take its toll. 

#1 - the stares, I HATE the stink eyes I've been getting from perfect strangers. Who when I catch them flat out staring don't even have the decency to avert there eyes. I know me walking around with no hair is a bit odd, annomily, cause celeb, whatever but get over it people. On of the things they don't mention about cancer is how weird people get around it.  I'm lucky that my close friends have taken all my physical and emotion changes in stride, but the fact is aquantances and stranger get a D+ in how they act... Yes I'm asking a lot of strangers but still I should. Stop being a weirdo and avert your eyes god damn it. I mean it's hard enough functioning when you have cancer, getting stated at really doesn't help. I would wear a hat world if it wasn't for the fucking hot flashes... You try menopause at 31, in the summer and see how you feel. 

#2 - this stress is largely of my own doing. I am naturally a giver. I want to help and comfort and be there. And now my dad has moved to somewhere extraordinarily more depressing then Spaulding. He's in a rehab center/ old age home. Not only are the long term residents sort of sad( not that I'm saying old age homes don't serve a place... This is a gross generalization) but the building is cemenent and basically just depressing. The hard part for me being it's in west Roxbury... You know how long it takes to get from Malden to west Roxbury... 40 god damn minutes... It's not close. Even after a month I'm still trying to work out what is a comfortable amount of time for me to visit, that isn't going to wear me out and isn't going to make me feel guilty for not going. Still trying to work that out. I think this week we'll try less because I realized I've got basically 13/14 days... So that's too many. It's starting to frustrate me. I used go every day I could because I knew there would be days I couldn't, but clearly that isn't working.  Need to revamp... Definitely making me tired. 

#3 - just being tired , but then not sleeping well, and feeling guilty for being on sort term disability. 

I'm hard pressed to think that radiation is already taking a toll but maybe it is. I've basically been tired since the first day, and it's getting worse. I wish I slept better so then I would feel a bit more accomplished, but I don't... Fuck this long haul. 

#4 - it's been a little over a week and let's just say going to the hospital. 5 days a week is NOT fun ... There is nothing else to say about that. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


It's been a big month, and today is actual the BIG day. Radiation starts today. But this month also I've had a chance to sit back a little, and reflect... And have a different short of craziness enter my life. 

So my dad had a stroke on June 14th (aka the day before Father's Day) the sort of weird timing is especially odd. But yeh, so what was going to be a relaxing two weeks before radiation, not so much. I've really had the chance to reflect on what is really important in life and to me, and really focus on what I need in a lot of ways. 

I've been lucky to have to ability to go and see my dad most days (he's currently at Spaulding in charlestown) but have also had to realize my zeal to do "it all " has somewhat negative consequences to my mental and physical  being. The truest example manafesting in a bit of a cry fit when I missed visiting hours one day, after having worked a full week for the first time in AWHILE (quite honestly I can't remember ) and trying to please both myself and him.   In being tired the gravity of the situation ( really not grave at all) was magnified to epic proportions. And it was in the breakdown that I realized... I'm trying to so it all, and I really can't. Not because I'm dealing with cancer, but because it's a recipie for disaster.   I need actually practice in how to prioritize myself over others and here's really the learning point, NOT FEEL BAD about it.  

I'm a believer that everything in life is a lesson meant to grow, and I've been reading this book 
That in it documents some tips of what people did to beat cancer when basically doctors said they were going to die. And I've been realizing more then ever the energetics and mindfulness practices are really what helps to live a long life. Obviously you have to eat a clean and healthy diet...I'm actually trying something new now, we'll see how it goes.  But most of the things the book discusses are spiritual and mental. If you don't take time to forgive yourself, slow down, listen to your intuition, then really what's the point. 

I had a lesson about that this week in fact. I'm realizing the importance of advocating for my own needs even when you get some push back from people like umm doctors. Especially when everyone else in my life agrees with me, not the docs.  Though it's been tough to let things go, and trust that it will work out. Let's just say the planner in me kinda goes haywire when stress is induced... Still very much learning in the it will all work out category of mental abilities.  But also stinking to my guns, and though I feel bad..... I really do, that I last minute changed my mind and left people at work in a pinch, realizing also that what I'm asking for is reasonable and right and I deserve to get it.... Even if people don't always agree. 

On that note I'm going to wrap up... Cause I feel rambly.