Reflections from the mat : Kripalu edition

Reflections on Kripalu 

10JUL15 - 12JUL15 

This past weekend I spent my time at the Kripalu Yoga center in Western Mass. I attended a workshop with Shiva Rea called "Prana Vinyasa Movement Alchemy tending the sacred fire" and in one word it was amazing.  The entire workshop focused on tuning into the tempo of our bodies and looking at the yoga practice through the natural elements.  It was intense and I was able to put my body into places that I didn't know I could go.  I really liked how she related everything back to a visceral feeling and wanted to have balance between the elements, earth, fire, wind and water. 

So all that being said here are some highlights.... In no particular order..... 

One the last day we did I guess you could call a full elemental practice, with components in each element.... During that we did a YOGA KRYIA which felt sort of prayer like. She played music and we closed our eyes and moved from "camel like pose" to fully extended on our bellies or child's pose.  It was so intense to open up my heart that way. And surprisingly doing the "camel like" movements didn't freak me out. I felt liberated. Immediately after we paired up and did partnered forward bending, when you sit back to back with someone and the one person goes into seated forward bend while the other lies on top of them, and it was amazing. 

The afternoon session we decided to have down on the lake, which first of all was really gorgeous.  So we went down in our bathing suits and yoga clothes and had the session. But the amazing part happened at the end. We all went in the water, including Shiva Rea, and did a floating savasana. We grouped up and held each other up in the water. During which we all om ed.  It was really good cool and relaxing in a new way to be floating in a sea of oms in a much more literal way then ever before.  Once we'd all done that we were standing and freezing because well it's Massachusetts... The water never gets hot. And Shiva started "drumming" the water.        https://youtu.be/98Xj_oLkRT4   . we all joined in a circled up. Then we started to chant. Unfortunately I don't remember the Sanskrit (I asked later what it was and it was something to evoke the earth mother goddess ) and we did sort of a round with a Sanskrit chant and "going down to the river to pray" all the while slapping the water.  The collective consciousness was INCREDIBLE.  

I experienced my first "Yoga Trance Dance".  This is admittedly what I had known her for but not really known what it was.  It was all about organic movement, and a different type of movement mediation.  Through dance and freedom and no structure. It took me a while to fully give in, but when I did it was incredible. I thought about the year I've had, and all the fear and anxiety and anger I have experienced and it a certain extend still hold residually.  I realized how long it had been since I felt truly free and I just let go. And dance in the dark with all these other yogis. But of course like any good yoga experience there was a savasana. We laid down wherever we were and blissed out. It was great. 

I was pleasantly surprised with my dormitory experience. All the women were nice and I really connected with a few. And good on Kripalu for sticking us together since we mostly all were in the same workshop. 

I got into the quad stretch version of half pigeon for possibly the first and only time. 

I went way farther in (foot behind head) reclined... Then I ever thought possible. 

The food was amazing. And then had a continual supply of Kitchri.  Though tummy got funny with so much ruffage. 

I realized that you can still have a powerful practice outside the powers tradition. But using the different types of salutations at different types and different purposes you had build a heck of a lot of inner heat. 

I want to learn more about mudras. 

Coming to a yoga conclusion

Today was a sort of big day for me. I realized and finally admitted to myself I am not a true POWER YOGA teacher. 

So what does that mean exactly.  In short I want freedom. I want to be able to explore different things in my yoga practice and in my yoga teaching. As a new teacher I admittedly tend to stick to what I learned it slight variations. But that's a comfort level. I want to be able to explore more as I grow more comfortable. To find different poses beyond the true basics or while still staying safe turn the expectations of what's going to happen on their heads. And just have fun. 

It is through a. Lot of thought that I realized that sticking to the exact same flow template every time is not what I want. And though I feel I might be turning my back on my roots a bit. I know it's the right thing. 

I will always teach and practice vinyasa but I want the flexibility to try new stuff too. 

Feedback and week of sunrises

23mar15

This is going to be a week of sunrises I think. Starting today I was up well before the Sun to have my first experience with Prana Power Yoga's "Pre-Dawn" class. I was addmittedly curious how my brain and body were going to feel about the 4am wake up call, but it wasn't too bad. 

I decided to try this class because I knew I could go and come back to my apt to get ready. Showering at my own house is quite the novelty these days. And I'm trying to figure out more ways to get on a yoga practice. 

The cool thing about this class is it's not taught. Just people, darkness, silence and your mat and you. And I actually liked it. I started by reading today passage of "A Book of Awaking" and then moved into the physical practice.  It was not super fancy (and I don't think it ever will be) but felt good and blessed out. The one thing I would have changed on my end would be to set my fitbit so I would make sure to have enough time for savasana. The one thing I would change about the class would be that I would have appreciated the owner mentioning that she om'ed at the end of her practice.  Nice to know in advance but I guess I'll know for next time. We wrapped everything up at ~5:50.  

And this is where the learning point came for me. The owner asked if I had a minute. after we were done and silly me I assumed she wanted to catch up and check in... Not exactly.  She had feedback... Constructive critic... Good stuff. From a class I had subbed the previous Sunday. And though I usually do appreciate feedback done in person, I learned I do not receive feedback well at 6am.  It was nothing to major but still not the best time for me to hear that.  And the worst of all.

It totally killed my yoga buzz. 

So note to self next time, say no to stupidly early feedback. 

And now that I've had time to think about the feedback, I have other thoughts. One of the complaints was a supposedly 12 min savasa... What I say to they is a) ok that's long but not ridculous b) I felt the room needed it, it's not all about you buddy c) if you are timing things in savasana man you got issues... So though I will take some of the other stuff to heart ish... Work on confidence and assuradeness.. Sure that's always good things.  I don't think I'll go to the wall again for awhile until I work out the kinks.. At least not in a true vinyasa class. But otherwise poo on you... It's my flow and I'm sticking to it

Omnipresence, self awareness, and hypochondria

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been in a bit of a turmoil of feelings, emotions and actions to a certain part.

First off the fact that Boston is experiencing record breaking snow fall on basically ever, it makes it hard to function on a very basic level. Getting anywhere is ways more challenging and I think it's making everyone a lot more irritable.....

Ok who I am kidding, a lot more irritable. 

The second thing going on is the fact I've had a bit of a sense of foreboding. And really the foreboding and the hypochondria sort of go hand in hand. We are coming up on a year since I discovered the second lump in my right breast and the entire shit show of the last year transpired.  For some reason this week has just been feeling very eary. I'm definitely not ok with this feel. Umm yeh give me a huge dose of foreboding... Thanks but no thanks.  But that has not helped the feeling I've had that something just isn't right. Initially I tried to shake it and just play it off as true crazy. But it just wouldn't go away. 

That is the good thing about being a yogi. I can tell when something isn't right. Granted the plague of all winter colds has been going around so of course I initially thought that was what was going on. I mean I had pneumonia this year so I think my lungs are having a disagreement with my body. But I know when something is just a cold or when things aren't resolving. Or at least I think I do. 

I should mention, I'm also extremely impatient when it comes to health things. I admittedly have NO gauge about what it means to be sick, so I never know if though I am not getting better. It's a normal not getting better or if it's an actual problem. And let's just say this inability is ANNOUYING.  It was brought to my attention just now that it might not be impatience so much as anxiety. And no matter what you call it it pisses me off that my mind goes there. 

The shroud that surrounds the medical profession as a whole has been removed and I am not always that impressed by what I see.  It makes me want to take charge of my health care and to a certain extent I do. The limitations I've encountered have some to do with my time constraints and some with medicine as a whole. I get frustrated that I can't devote unlimited resources to determine if and when I have a problem and the best course of treatment. And the fact that medicine had limitations. We power things with wind. We send people to the moon. We should be able to answer why my lungs feel funny. 

Unfortunately the plan and simple fact is that it is not that simple. I am doing everything I can and now I have to wait and see how things play out. I'm fortunate enough I can see specialists without much of an issue. So that might happen. More tests might happen, and I will get to a point where I feel at peace with the answers. 

Wow the memories

I don't know how many people use the time hop ap. And I realize I'm a bit of a late adopter. Hey whatever. But as someone who really like nostalgic moments I sort of like it.... Sometimes it may be wrong. But today I got this 

And I can't believe it's been a whole year since I met all the amazing people and learned some amazing things.crazy and I can't wait for more to come

I like hard sequences

Like the title suggests, I tend to like hard sequences. I've been playing a lot with how to get in and out of poses in a typical ways, and have been enjoying trying to incorporate some of that into when I teach. I don't think I've come up with anything super creative yet but it's just the beginning. 

Sequence one 

Down dog 

Three legged dog 

runners lung 

Easy hamstring stretch 

Revolved triangle 

Revolved half moon

Standing leg split 

Half moon 

Warrior 2 

Reverse warrior 

Side angle lung 

Half or full bound side angle 

Warrior 2 

Reverse 

Vinyasa back to down dog 

And switch sides 

Sequence 2 

Down dog 

Warrior 1 

Humble warrior 

Toppling tree (aka bound. Standing leg split) 

Bound forward fold 

Toppling tree (other leg raised) 

Humble warrior 

Warrior 1 

That beening said I think in general for a "regular" class I like teaching a more athletic crowed. I also have been gaining a lot of comfort teaching a resorative flow , but it's really hard to pair down a regular flow class. I have yet to try teaching a beginner class ( minus my guinue pigs from biogen.. Thanks guys) and I definitely think I'd still been sweating a lot. But I'm loving the growth opportunity and seeing where all this will take me. 

Fancy title

That's code for I have no idea what this post is going to be about, cause I feel like of nuts right now.  I feel like I've been playing a bit of an emotional ping pong game with myself in a seven sided board. One minute I'm happy, then pissed, then sad, then ok, then scared, then anxious. It's exsausting I mean really exsausting.  

I've definitely been noticing the exsaustion more lately. It's been challenging to get up in the morning, and not just on the days I have insomnia or sugar induced insomnia.  Which is completely legit, and at least is an explaination of being tired or sleeping poorly. The inability to sleep for a not good reason is a really hard pill to swallow.  At least if you're exsausted let it be because I was at some really great party and danced the night away, I mean much better then my body decided it didn't want to cooperate.  On a side note related to that I've gotten a lot better at slowing down and giving myself more time to do things, and more time to just be. I don't try to fit a million things in, in a day and I think it's really made me move slower through life and I think it's a good thing. I mean in mechanics the parts that get pushed to much wear out faster... Right, so why can't that be applied to bodies to. Let's find a homeostatic pace and stay there. And if it is slower then the previous one that is ok.  

On a different note I also had one of those weeks where I was very thankful for the yoga in my life. The realization coming sort of in a weird way.  A brilliant yogi died at the age of 95 this week.  BKS Iyengar, who is pretty much the father of modern yoga flow.  And in reading about him I came upon this quote. 

"Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured." - BKS Iyengar

And It made me very thankful that I found this ability to heal myself, even just a little bit. I know yoga can't heal everything but it sure shows me how to deal with everything. Through cancer and yoga I realize that a lot of stuff I used to make a big deal about aren't really a bit deal. 

My friend tony put it in a different way. 

"Sometimes your day is like toes pose" . It feels completely unbearable but if you send it some breath you realize it isn't so bad. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to bail occasionally, cause that's legit too. Certain times stress is just too much, breath allows us to endure to a certain point.  But sometimes you know that if you just sit with the intense sensation for a few more minutes you realize it ain't so bad. 

I also realized recently that I've sort of been developing my art of practice for a long time.  Some people know I've was an avid musican since about the age of 5. I started with recorder,  then flute, and bassoon for 15 yrs.  and I think that in practicing music and learning the discipline of practicing I was priming myself for the practice of yoga and really the practice of life.  It's through all this practice that I finally feel like I can accept myself on my terms more on a daily basis. And realize that some days aren't going to feel or go as "planned" and realizing that is ok. 

Side effects can suck it/ ok life is pretty good

I've had a lot of side effects happen to me in my day. I historically get most of the common ones, and sometimes some  a typical ones. All of them suck. I mean really they suck. And cancer brings on a whole slew of side effects that almost counteract each other, so it feels a little you're on an episode of candide camera

This first paragraph was started a while ago. And now that I've had a little more time, and actually some of the side effects have warn down a bit. I realize things are actually pretty good.   Though sometimes I still feel like I'm getting punked with what I have to go with, that whole you're only given what you can deal with mantra (admittedly not my favorite but applicable at the time) came through and most of the chemo side effects have lessened. In other words I don't feel like a 90 yr old women when I stand up. I'll take it. 

Radiation has been going along and it wasn't until recently that things started to get interesting.  Radiation for those new to the party is when they send photons into your body to kill shit.  Topically this results in, can you guess, a burn. An it just keeps getting worse, like you got a bad tanning bed experience in really stupid places( ex. Mamory fold, arm pit) yeh who knew those would be fun places to tan. But anyway. It wasn't a big deal at all until this weekend when skin decided to blister and crack... I will be asking about infection tomorrow. And now it just hurts. Bring on the pain and sleep aids... Two weeks to get through and we'll be good.  

Otherwise things are going pretty well. I've been teaching yoga a bit, or occasionally, depending on your unit of measure ;-) and it's been awesome. I've also been focusing on see people in small or single groups. Large groups haven't been calling my name lately. Taking care of my self with lots of bad TV dates. Experimenting with dietary changes and cravings. ( I have to admit I caved today and had a vegan chocolate chip cookie) damn sugar you scream at me, but bright side... NO DAIRY!!! Hey I'll take it.  And trying new things, or old things in new places. 

Off to yoga cafe @ south boston yoga. 90 min class with live music.... It's going to be awesome tastic 

The day I taught two yoga classes

17jul14 

A little while a go I  offically made it on the the substitute teacher list at prana power yoga. Woo! That was exciting and then it was just trying to get up enough nerve to sub a class. Which actually took some nerve. I mean you have the power, but to know that you can actually use it and try and teach real people who won't know that you graduated teacher training 3 months early. Yikes!!!! Excited but scary. 

Anyways I woke early and made my way to prana newton. I wanted to be awake long enough that I'd be decently chipper by 6am.  I had a good group. I noticed I tend to repeat the same word a lot while teaching. In this case it was begin. I just kept saying it... Like I couldn't help it. But otherwise I was pretty happy with the class. 

I continued on with my day and around 4pm got the call to teach the 730 in Cambridge. I was already going to be there anyway to assist so teaching was an added bonus.  The second time was even better. I didn't forget to teach bridge (note to self... If you miss bridge,  don't try to put it after pigeon, doesn't work) and I fit in more stuff in a better amount of time. 

Overall it was a really awesome time, and I'm really glad I tore the bandage off and started teaching 

Chakra cleanse

08jun14

Today I did something a little different.  I had been hearing about this workshop offered a few times around town called the chakra cleanse, led by Jaquei Bonwell.  I had heard that it was amazing and since she used to teach at prana a lot of the instructors from teacher training had mentioned her. So I said why not. I needed some make up hours so it was the perfect modivator....

The workshop was held at south boston yoga, which I had never been too. Hence the extra modivation because I parked at work and took the T.  All of that was extremely uneventful and I arrived in southie VERY early. Found a bench and read a bit.  The weather finally broke so that was good and warm. 

Then I went in to do 3 hrs of yoga awesomeness. First let me start by saying I knew going in this workshop was going to be challenging. But it also was coming at a good time. I feel like I've been working through some stuff and consequently had been feeling very stuck and stagnant. I know physically I'm a bit of a mess at the moment but mentally too and at this point in my life I know the two are connected. So a chance to really try and zone in on stuff was really good timing. 

That being said it was amazing.  I had reactions to stuff that I didn't even realzied a few things that I didn't know I was holding on to.  I got practice with two of my peps, kyle and Angela, so that was awesome as well. It never ceases to amaze me about the powers of yoga and meditation. There are things that we hold on to, and in some cases some deep seeded stuff, and through a sequence of movements and some talking emotions and stuff come to surface. And they may be things that you hadn't thought about in a long time. 

Though I still feel emotionally raw, it's an amazing experience and I will be doing it again. 

Chemo 4 squared

30 may 14

So it's done. I managed to get through another set of chemo action. Thank goodness. I was actually thinking today that it's so weird that cancer has been a part of my vocabulary for going on three yrs. part of me thinks, when did this happen, why is this my life... But then I think this is my journey. Just go with it. 

So chemo recap.  I got up early as usual and my sister drove me in. This day was a two asana day 

Warrior 3... Ish to get things going. It's actually funny to see pictures of myself in yoga poses because of course, I thought I was flat. Ummm yeh not exactly.  I dig it, but I'm far from starting my yoga journal modeling career. 

Traffic wasn't bad and we made it in with lots of time. Coffee was had and blood work was taken. All good and had lots of time to sit in the meditation garden. 

For those that don't know there is a roof top garden at MGH. It's really nice, minus the continues ambulance noise.  

So I got some reading done and then headed in to meet the doctor. Then the schedule went to shit. There was lots of sitting, and I eventually saw the doc. Which went fine... There is always a discussion on symptoms and stuff. Got a new sleep aid to try and going to try omega 3 for hot flashes... Couldn't hurt right? 

But because of that, or maybe just cause it was that kind of day. I had to wait in the infusion room too... Wahwah!  But when I finally got called back I got a private room. Woot woot. 

Let's just say it was a bit chilly.  But once things got going it was pretty smooth. My arm felt funny for a bit but turned out to be me... Not an actual problem.  And the lovely Christina and Kate kept me smiling and amused while things wrapped up. What else is there to do when you visit someone at chemo? I mean really... You are there for their amusement. 

Once I was finally unhooked it was time for the celebratory flying frog (crow) 

Even after that I got both feet up... Boo yeh. And Christina drove me home... To pass out from a long day. 

But as weird as it is to say I've been through chemo twice... I've been through chemo twice and I slapped that bitch... Now the bitch better stay slapped...

Just saying

First yoga community class

27apr14

I taught my first full 90 min flow at Prana Power yoga in Winchester on Sunday.  To conserve my energy I spent literally the entire early part of the day on the couch, and surprisingly relaxed.  I came to the realization this weekend that even my original version of cutting back wasn't going to cut it, in terms of where my body is at.... So to be on the safe side couch it was. 

I knew the nerves would hit eventually, which they did on the Way over.  Not surprised and spent the car ride breathing. Fortunately because I didn't have a key I had to get there really early, so that stress was gone.  I chilled out on the curb waiting till I could get in. And then I made sure I was situated with the computer and stuff. 

Checking people in went pretty good, especially since I knew 4 of the 8 people that came. And there wasn't really a rush on things. I got the door shut and made my way to class. 

I changed the first half of class a bit, which was scary but fun.  I started them in child's pose which is how I like to start,  a good thing about teaching irregularly...you don't feel as repetitive. I also changed up the crescent twist portion, bringing in revolved half moon and standing leg split.  The two funny things that happened in the first half were I actually noticed when I said chatturunga instead of uttcatasana, which apparently has happened before but I had never noticed.  The second one was that I cued for everyone to take a high twist before going into crescent lung and literally one person actually did it. I was extremely glad for that because otherwise I probably would have thought I didn't say it.  So if helped to know that at least I said what I intended. And hey, apparently people really don't listen to you while teaching. 

The second half was more vanilla flow. The funny thing that happened there was I had sort of a ton of time left (an indication I could have probably held things longer) when I got pretty near the end of the flow that we learned.  So what did I do, held a really long half pigeon and added the quad stretch, cued supported fish.... Because who doesn't love it.  And did a whole 10 min savasana. Which of course meant I could assist everyone.   I'd say overall a win.  

I'd say I'm mainly excited that I got one down. Woot woot. And I also realized something else. I can time holds out by assisting. That way I'll be more likely to be balanced on both sides... Cause there is nothing more annoying then when one side is held longer then the other.  

Overall so excited to teach again, and looking forward to improving my skills.!

The bunny chronicles

20apr14

Otherwise known as Easter.  

This year was a little differnt then others because neither of the siblings were around, so it was very small.  We went to church, no shock there, and dad and I were greeters. This was surprisingly less weird then I thought it would be. I'm not really sure what I thought would happen but the main thing didn't want was to be gushed over.  Sometimes I have this feeling like I have cancer, I'm dealing with it, and I don't want to hear that that I am impressive.  Granted sometimes that is nice, but not all the time. Because as I may have mentioned before it's not really a choice to be impressive, it just is. But now that I'm saying this I guess that is why it's impressive, because I'm not trying to be. 

So anyway, church was uneventful and then we had brunch with the bell choir. Which was tasty.  Dad and I went home and mom stayed for the second service. Most of the rest of the day involved me sitting or sleeping on the couch.  Concluded with dinner at my aunts house and getting a shot via Franni. But I was so happy to not have to go to work the next day.  And of course there was a eastern basket and bunny to be had. 

Who doesn't appreciate a nice fluffy bunny? I mean really, especially since the other ones came in chocolate form. 

The unexpected part of the day was that it really sort of brought me to think about my thoughts on religion.  Growing up we went to church almost every week during the school year. (Yes we had summers "off") but since college my attendance at church was realively sparatik, and the lastfew years  have consisted of mostly Christmas Eve and Easter.  

I started to think why that has changed, was the change intentional, do I want to go back go going to church. A lot of it I'm not sure about, but the one thing I know ins that though the change was not an active choice it is one im sticking with. 

It was a slow thing that I started to shy away from religion and into yoga. Over the years there has been parts about organized religion that never really jived with me. I really think that it was when I had cancer the first time that really put me over the edge. I mean how could I really be ok with a god and "person" that allowed me to get cancer. I was mad, and still am a bit at this person. That being said I believe that there is something out there that watching out for me. I have had to many instances that clearly were the universe watching out for me to not believe it, but the whole organized religion thing.... For the birds, and would I rather worship whoever by dressing up and going to a staunch building, or would I rather link breath with movement and send light out into the world. I'll take the light. 

Life reflects yoga and yoga reflects life

It's sort of amazing how the crap that I deal with on a regular basis comes up in my yoga, and teaching yoga. It's sort of amazing how connected the internal body is to the rest of the world. In some ways it's actually a little creepy sometimes, but creepy good. 

So something I've been struggling with lately is simply put pinging on peoples radar. I spent so long trying to not get noticed even though I know I was, so now actively doing things to get noticed is scary and uncomfortable. And sometimes you ping on the radar in an undesired way.  Be it good or bad. It's hard to go from being someone that was actively trying not to be noticed to someone who is standing proud and tall and saying here I am. And that person (me) is a bit scared of it. It's sort of amusing that one of the main catalysts for being willing to stick out more was getting cancer again. I mean talk about needing an extra push out of the comfort nest. I mean seriously, but I guess that sort of falls under the everything happens for a reason and the universe only gives what we can handle. So I am aware now that maybe this happened to catalyze my person growth.  I must be meant for something great.  I mean really, why else would I be forced to deal with this stuff in such an up close and personal way. 

Anyway I digress, so one of the main reasons I was afraid to ping on people's radars was I was afraid that I wouldn't be enough. Whatever enough even means, and I realize now that enough is different for everyone... Huh if only my 14 yr old self knew that one.  I had an irrational fear. That still lingers, trust me it's a work in progress, that whatever I offered would be deemed unworthy.  

Now comes the yoga teaching. Standing at almost the finally of teacher training there has definitely been some anxiety over what happens next and will I be good enough, can I actually do this in front of people. Who knows? The realization came this weekend that yes I am good enough, but also that still doesn't mean that everyone will like what I have to offer. Everyone wants something different from yoga and all teachers have something different to offer. I mean that's why naming one favorite teacher is actually hard because I go to differnt people for differnt things. So the fact that there will be people out there that don't like what or how I teach and that it has no reflection on me, is sort of mind altering. I mean still scary cause rejection is never pleasant.... Who we kidding, but the fact that people can take or leave me, my yoga, my teaching, my self and it is not an assessment on me, but on them or how we connect at that particular time is an idea I really can clinge to.  The fear may always be there, but if I focus on not making it, whatever sort of interaction it is, not about my self worth or personage and about where the other person is at.... That is crazy and amazing and scary... And awesome

Yoga teacher training week 6

14mar14-16mar14

Another weekend of yoga training in the bag and I really don't want it to end. I mean granted having a bit of spare time won't really be a bad thing but it's such a wonderful experience I don't want it to stop. 

So Friday as I mentioned in a previous post I took off. So it was very relaxing. Once I was done getting tattooed I went to hang with Kate until it was time to go.  It's so fun to basically not be at work, not be sick and have some excellent company. If it weren't for the whole job thing I'd do it every Friday. 

Friday night training brought along more practice teaching and more practicing. Since I didn't teach it was nice to move my body.  Fridays are always pretty low key and that is fine by me. 

Saturday is the big day. Practice teaching before lunch, then we got into energetics and shamanism.  The short answer is it was weird. We discused a lot about reading or feeling someone or something's energy, which has happened to me but being very deliberate made it a bit creepy. We did 4 sort of separate things. We did a short mediation to ground ourselves and then we read objects of each others. It sounds weird to say we read them but essentially we held an object in our hands in groups and were able get stuff about the other person, so much so that I initially thought I was making it up. Turns out I was not and was even more convinced when he told me things from the reading that I think but rarely if ever say out loud. It was very cool.  We also met our power animals. Which was also cool but I won't be able to explain. Google it. And finished with a love guided mediation, which was great. And ended up with us singing together in a circle. Yes I'm serious. Unfortunately I don't remember the song.   

Saturday ended with more teaching. I was feeling really sore so I ended up assisting everyone instead so that was fun.  I love doing the hands on assisting, so it was nice to share that with the other trainees.  

And it let into an entire day of assisting. Which was fun for me cause I got to focus on something I love and felt much more comfortable giving feedback because I know I know what I'm talking about. Everyone did really well, I was impressed. 

After training I went to Sunday night slow flow at radient yoga with Sara. Great class and good way to start the week. 

Armpits are itchy

Ok, so completely random title, but my arm pit has been tender for over a week and it's getting old.  

I was actually thinking about this recently that recovery from a big illness is maybe a little like childbirth. You have a vague sense of the recoop but not the specifics and the time line is completely off. I'll be the first to admit I had to talk myself out of going rock climbing on Tuesday when I realized on Monday I hadn't reached fully overhead yet. Oops. Yeh sort of need that ability to be intact to climb a wall, even not well... Which will probably be the care since I haven't got since 14feb14. But that can't be helped. So it's fine.... Ish. 

Most people know I'm sort of irritated when I can't do something myself. I mean this sort of has to do with the fact I don't like asking for help, but physical stuff really makes me made. Especially when it's stuff that I could do a short time ago.... Even if it's a good reason.  So on that realm I try to find the joy in small victories. And today I had one. It's always good to mobilize muscles after surgery in the shower... Warm water and all. So I've slowly been working toward reaching overhead with my right arm, which last week was not going to happen. And I can almost get my arm to my ear again without pain. I sort of think my sense of mobility is skewed, between yoga and crossfit. So for all I know I'm at normal mobility, but all I know is I'm close to my old normal... Which will be my new normal. Hopefully by next week I can hit the rock walls... My shoes need to get out of the back of my car. 

Another success that occurred this week was that I taught my second practice class at work. It was fun. I tried making a mix, completely not knowing what I was doing, but I think it helped zen up the auditorium a little bit. Ok, there is nothing zen about the auditorium... But we make it work. Also Because my work buddies are VERY new to yoga I actually have to do the class with them. Which is not setting we do at teacher training or at prana in general. I've been thinking about hitting up a beginning class to see how that's structured.  We'll see. We made it all the way through the part of the flow we've been working with and then when we got to the "new part"  starting with the floor series stuff I totally went in the wrong direction in a few cases but hey it worked. After doing locust a few times I don't remember where we went but we skipped camel, accidentally mostly... I dislike camel strongly. And ended up doing pigion in the wrong place... Oops. The really fun part was that as I was cueing it I sort of knew that it was "wrong" but I just said oh well and at least tried to transition between poses cleaning with some success. So it was a score. 

I'm constantly amazed when I try to teach and amazed by the power of my words.  The message is still I need to get more concise, but it keeps getting better. And teaching beginners is fun because they quite literally will do exactly what you say and do. Even when you come to hands and knees to try and watch them in chatturunga... It was very awesome. 

Tomorrow is another weekend of awesome. And a day off. Wooooot

Prana power yoga teacher training wk 5

07march14 - 09march14

This weekend officially marked the half way point of teacher training. It's so weird to think that I've been doing teacher training for over a month. It definitely doesn't feel like it, and it's been quite the ride.  I feel like I've realized a lot of stuff about myself, and I've started to notice a difference about how I want to relate to the world. It's pretty cool to think that even a slight shift makes a big difference overall. 

On a different note, other than recooping from surgery all week, I also gave up soda this week. Which was not super hard, but enough. Especially since I spent the majority of the week with the parentals which is also diet coke central. But it's been one week and counting. 

So teacher training came again, and I was a bit nervous cause I was still taking the good drugs up until Thursday. So I knew I was still pretty sore. So I was a bit concerned about if we had a practice heavy weekend. As it turns out we didn't so it all worked out. 

Friday we practice taught and I finally got to teach again. Thank god! I was starting to get really antsy about it because it had been about a month. So I really wanted to try and do it again. It went ok overall. The antsiness definitely came through, and I felt like I was extremely chatty while teaching. And apparently I mixed up chatturunga and uttcatasana, which I didn't notice until it was mentioned after. I need to work on letting my voice have some space. As a practitioner I like a quieter class so I think I want to try to get to a quieter point. It's all practice and I definitely need to focus on keeping it simple. That will be the way to go. 

Saturday brought a very long and in depth discussion in anatomy.  I like anatomy, it's very logical. I mean after two semesters of anatomy and physiology and one of exercise physiology I do know a few things. But it was interesting to think about it or start to think about it in relation to yoga poses. I mean we just started the discussion but it's extremely helpful to know how the body works and moves and I know it will help my teaching. The good thing is that I think it's less important to know the terminology but knowing how to discribe what body part does what in what pose will completely enhance my teaching. More studying will have to happen.  

Sunday we discussed the yoga sutras and pranayama.  I have heard some of the stuff about the sutras before but there where knew things as well. I really liked the concept of tapas, which is basically the act of creating discipline.  For right now I'll keep with no soda, until it comes easier, but the idea is always to be working on something that is hard and requires discipline.  It's pretty cool to think about, but I feel like more reading will help to clarify a few things. 

After we were done and bunch of us went to masa for drinks. It was fun to relax in a different setting and not have a five or ten minute period to chat. 

A quick trip to trader joes and relaxing at home. Another great weekend. 

Again. With the surgery

04march14 - 05march14. 

This slowly marked the beginning of cancer treatment round. I officially had scans of my entire body, including brain and bones, which came back clear. So other the tiny bebe that I found in my best things are looking good. 

Monday evening I took a vinyasa class at all one yoga with Katie. I knew I needed to get on my mat, because I pretty much felt crazy. I mean this procedure was significantly smaller than my previous ones, but surgery is still surgery and being reasonably distracted seems reasonable. And yoga helps with that. 

I didn't have to be at mass general until 1130, so it was nice to have a slow morning. I did a short practice before showering, then got ready to go. I even had time to do a little mediation. So that was good. 

My chariot came on the form of an Abby. And we were on the way. I was glad I changed my mind and had her come in with me.  Like any thing involving hospitals there was a fair amount of waiting and it was nice to have some good company.  I realized its nice to have people around, especially in the chance that there is waiting around. 

Our first stop was nuclear medicine, to turn me radioactive. Basically for a sentinel node biopsy they like to inject you with a tracer so they can see where the lymph nodes drain. So other than a shot, not a huge deal.  

After that we made our way over to the center for peri operative care. It was a great improvement since the last time. Very comfy. We waited a little and then I got called back. After some questions and changing Abby got called back and a quick goodbye. I was on my way.  On a side note, after I changed I hit the ladies room and confused the crap out of the nurses cause I wasn't there when they got back.  But I digress. 

So surgery went off without a hitch. Even though they switched to general anathesia at the last minute. Two little incisions and it was done. I got some time in the PACU and then post op. Mom picked me up and we made the way home. 

We sent dad to cvs to fill my perscriptions. And I relaxed and hydrated on the couch, until I completely passed out. 

Wednesday was a bit better. Still pretty groggy and realizing an incision under the armpit sort of sucks. I mean it's a good thing cause they'll be able to get even more a picture of the lymph nodes, since they look on out. But you don't really realize how much stretching is involved until they cut you there. Also my whole body is tense and sort, partially from yoga and possibly from the medical war that is being had on my body.  Either way not a fun time.  

Another day was spent relaxing at home, and too cute my dads coworkers sent flowers. Which is pretty awesome because I've never met them, at all. So that was very sweet.  

I decided to take tomorrow (Thursday ) off too cause I'm still pretty sore, so at least on more day to recoop. Now off to bed before eyeballs shut on their own. 

Yoga teacher training week 3

07feb14- 09feb14 and the surrounding week

It was another emotional week, which is starting to feel more normal. The more I think and talk about it I really realize how great it is to be differnent and realize that I need to start / continue wearing my monikers of difference with pride because it is our differences that make us all the same. 

That being said, I shared my paper this week. It was emotional because basically when is talking about the effect cancer had on your life not emotional. But it felt really good to sort of release the beast, in a very supportive and loving environmet, and with other grown ups.  I have begun to realize that part of my insecurity with my differences has stemmed from the fact that differences are something to be laughed at, or ridiculed when you're growing up. And ill admit I was an easy target. 

I have always been a bit of an old soul, or older soul. I only recently started to feel that myself is sort of more in sync with those around me. And I have a tendency to stay weird shit, or say stuff weird.  Maybe it stems from my geek-dom, but who knows.  Honestly that's not the point and I sort of don't care. It's part of me.  But needless to say the fact that since I was little I've gotten made fun of how or what I say or do, it's made it hard as an adult to open up.  

So sharing my paper was a tough bar to clear. I wanted to, but I was nervous about how it would be received. I mean I don't want pitty. I never have. Cancer happened and I'm dealing with it, working on living my life to the fullest. There isn't any room in there for pitty.  And I didn't get it. I did get admiration, which is something I have a hard time accepting too. It's not even that I purposefully undervalue the experience but because I put blinders on and spent 6 months dealing with cancer and 6 months truest recooping from cancer it doesn't feel like that big a deal. But I'm realizing that, it is! 

The last two years have shaped me as a person in so many ways. And I'm finally beginning to realize that even though I may never feel strong, or with it, that is just a feeling and the reality is that I am, and I can handle a lot. 

So needless to say it was a very tiring day on Saturday but now that it's out there I really look at all the adversity I've encountered as a good thing. I can show people, accidentally because it's not like I mean to, they a positive outlook is a good thing and achievable. Even though I continue to work on being more positive myself, it's possible even when life throws you a mother of all curve balls, and good things can come out of it. I mean like any step in a journey. Had I not gone through that I would never have gotten deeper into my yoga practice and therefore become a yoga teacher (becoming.) 

It's all meant to be. 

I close with one thing I sort of leaned this weekend as well.  

Namaste obviously has a bunch of translations but one is something like "we now to that which is the same in all of us". Pretty cool, even in feeling different we are all the same. 

Mala project

Happy new year everyone,

It's a new year, and a new outlook or revamping the outlook on things. It's a good time to rejuivinate ones self and recommit myself to the things that make me happy. 

Ok I'm sure how much sense that made but hey whatever. I started writing after taking a sleep aid for the first time in about a month, so I think it was a bit "strong" 

As some people know this will be the year of the yoga for me. I am going to do my first 200 hr yoga teacher training at Pranan Power Yoga. This is the studio I've pretty much only studied at. I like it and it feels like home, so it made sense to do it there. 

So something that I've wanted for awhile was a Mala, random yes but I have and I got one while in Austin at wanderlust. 

What is a mala you ask? (Other then a glorified necklace) 

Mala beads hold a lot of mystery. They're made in a range of different colors and materials, and while they’re used for generally the same reason, they mean something slightly different to all who wear them. If you’re curious how you might be able to use a mala, you’ve come to the right place.

What is a mala?
A mala is a string of 108 beads with one bead as the summit or head bead called a ‘sumeru.’ Malas are used as a tool to help the mind focus on meditation, or count mantras in sets of 108 repetitions.

Why use a mala?
Meditation is tricky! It can be challenging to sit still and quiet your mind for a period of time. The mala provides a much-needed anchor in these situations. It also allows the user to keep easy count during mantra repetitions.

How is a mala used?
The mala is traditionally held in the right hand and used in two ways; in one method, the mala is hanging between the thumb and the ring finger. The second finger is used to rotate the mala by one bead toward oneself with each repetition of breath or mantra. In the other method, the mala is hanging on the middle finger, with the thumb used to rotate the mala just as explained; one bead at a time. Either way, the index finger is never used to touch the mala. (The index finger represents ego, seen as the greatest impediment to self-realization in ancient Hinduism). The practice begins at the summit or head bead and continues around the loop until the head bead is reached again.

In Hinduism, the head bead is never passed over, so if more than one round is planned, the mala is turned around to proceed again in the reverse direction.

How is a mala worn?
It’s up to you! Malas create lovely necklaces, and can also be looped multiple times around your wrist. It’s a common belief that when malas are used regularly for meditation and repeating mantras, they absorb the vibrations of the practice. So the more you wear it, the more positive energy it absorbs and reflects back.

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Source : corepoweryoga.com/blogs/mala-beads-explained

So what am I going to do. My goal is to add 1 sun salutation, either a or b for the next 108 days. Let me tell you, it's not going to be easy cause I've already missed some days, but I'm going to try and also going to make up the days I miss. If nothing else I'll get stronger, and anything better then that would be kind of awesome.  So we'll see, wish me luck