Things I learned from the avon39

16may15-17may15

This past weekend I attempted to complete my first Avon 39 2 day walk.  I admittedly had a hard time getting in some training walks so I was nervous about it anyway. I mean 39 miles over 2 days is meant to be hard. So I knew it was going to be. Let's say it did not go well. At all, but in doing it I learned a few things to carry on for the next one. 

- walking with a buddy is so much more fun

- do long training walks (even if it feels weird to say training and walk in the same sentence ) 

- don't walk in 2 year old shoes... Even if they feel ok 

- change your socks way more often than you think

- drink more Gatorade

- it's ok to cancel if the universe throws you 2 unexpected things the week before

- finishing is finishing even if you take the bus

It was a hard and emotional weekend, but I'm glad I did it. And maybe one year in the future I'll do it again with a little more knowledge under my belt

And the pink tent village : totally cute even if. I didn't sleep there 

What I looked like after day 1 

Cancer friends

28MAR15

Who are on the way to being just friends. 

This weekend was the Young adult Conference at Dana Farber and the first meeting of the Boston tribe for First Descents. So it was a sort of cancer filled weekend. I say that I realize it sounds completely odd to put on paper but the other awesome part about it was that it was an extremely positive weekend or actually long day. 

The day started somewhat early with a drive over to Dana Farber. I registered and got my stuff, and found a buddy from group.  It was really fun to see a number of people that I knew and had chatted with so it felt a little like a reunion... Since we all don't make it to every group.  The day started with a key note speaker and then it had 2 breakout sessions. 

The first session I went to was about mindfulness and mediation. This isn't exactly a new topic for me because of all the yoga action but it was interesting in this context. And realizing / being reminded how much time we spend thinking ahead to things and how trying to predict good or bad isn't the best way to go. Which I agree with and it's always a good thing to have my attention brought back to.  We did some walking and seated mediation. And it was nice. 

We then got a complementary lunch, which was delicious. And songs from a group from Berkely College of Music. Which meant there was a lot of really interesting arrangements of pop songs to  violin and gutair. We also pushed a bunch of tables together and had a good visit talking about everyday and cancer related thing.  It was so cool to talk to awesome people and have it feel normal.  It was like we were kids at school. 

After lunch we listened the couple that started the Andruizzi foundation, who also is a former Patriots player (pretty neat) he battled cancer and then started this foundation to help people pay bills during and after treatment.  

The final seminar was about dealing with uncertainty. And it was an ok seminar.  I felt that because the panelist were all in similar stages of their cancer experience it maybe focused a lot of the medical aspects of uncertainty, and didn't do a lot to assuage my fears. In fact the discussion made me more nervous. But it was still a good topic. In general, I could have appreciated a Better focus on the topic. 

After the conference I hoped in the car and drove up to Nahat. Nahat for those playing the distance game is an island on the north shore. 

Next to the beach.  The event was the first Tribe Event for the Boston First Decents group. 

FD is a group that runs trips for young adult cancer patients and survivors. And they send people to do adventure stuff, rock climbing, surfing, kayaking. For a week. This group is an off shoot of that, and they are trying to get more stuff going in the Boston area. 

The people I met there were REALLY awesome and it was so great to meet se other peps like me, that are doing there thing and dealing with cancer. And being awesome. A number of the awesome people from Dana farber were there. And it was amazing to talk to people in a house, and not a hospital setting.  It ended up being a really long day but the sign of a long day is you only notice how tired you are until you get in. The car. 

That's what happened, so I boogied home, had a final date with my couch and called it a night. 

Living in fear

I actually had a few different titles because of the many ways I've thought of this. 

It's been an emotional week. This time last year I found out I had cancer again. And this year I DO NOT have cancer, but at least for now I have been unable to escape the fear. One of the grisly scary things about Breast cancer is the fact you can have true breast cancer aka a lump in your boobies. And there are NO symptoms, none. And if you are symptomatic usually there is a PROBLEM involving an organ that is less forgiving of having a growth on it.  I would imagine that this is something a lot of cancer patients encounter. And I the abcense of overt symptoms what are you supposed to do. Nothing. And that is fucking scary. Especially since I've been there twice. 

I mean I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac so that didn't help things either. And it's frustrating to feel afraid most of the time.  I know I put a brave face on to the world, and for the most part I Believe it at least in some percentage. But the other percentage is fear and there is only so much breath you can send to that. 

My hope is that through time, yoga and mediation the sensation will get less, in sort of a water spilling out on a larger surface. The actual volume of water might be the same but it's not nearly as deep. And I have to focus on that.  And ask for some help with that. But it's a challenge lemme tell ya. 

Omnipresence, self awareness, and hypochondria

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been in a bit of a turmoil of feelings, emotions and actions to a certain part.

First off the fact that Boston is experiencing record breaking snow fall on basically ever, it makes it hard to function on a very basic level. Getting anywhere is ways more challenging and I think it's making everyone a lot more irritable.....

Ok who I am kidding, a lot more irritable. 

The second thing going on is the fact I've had a bit of a sense of foreboding. And really the foreboding and the hypochondria sort of go hand in hand. We are coming up on a year since I discovered the second lump in my right breast and the entire shit show of the last year transpired.  For some reason this week has just been feeling very eary. I'm definitely not ok with this feel. Umm yeh give me a huge dose of foreboding... Thanks but no thanks.  But that has not helped the feeling I've had that something just isn't right. Initially I tried to shake it and just play it off as true crazy. But it just wouldn't go away. 

That is the good thing about being a yogi. I can tell when something isn't right. Granted the plague of all winter colds has been going around so of course I initially thought that was what was going on. I mean I had pneumonia this year so I think my lungs are having a disagreement with my body. But I know when something is just a cold or when things aren't resolving. Or at least I think I do. 

I should mention, I'm also extremely impatient when it comes to health things. I admittedly have NO gauge about what it means to be sick, so I never know if though I am not getting better. It's a normal not getting better or if it's an actual problem. And let's just say this inability is ANNOUYING.  It was brought to my attention just now that it might not be impatience so much as anxiety. And no matter what you call it it pisses me off that my mind goes there. 

The shroud that surrounds the medical profession as a whole has been removed and I am not always that impressed by what I see.  It makes me want to take charge of my health care and to a certain extent I do. The limitations I've encountered have some to do with my time constraints and some with medicine as a whole. I get frustrated that I can't devote unlimited resources to determine if and when I have a problem and the best course of treatment. And the fact that medicine had limitations. We power things with wind. We send people to the moon. We should be able to answer why my lungs feel funny. 

Unfortunately the plan and simple fact is that it is not that simple. I am doing everything I can and now I have to wait and see how things play out. I'm fortunate enough I can see specialists without much of an issue. So that might happen. More tests might happen, and I will get to a point where I feel at peace with the answers. 

Fancy title

That's code for I have no idea what this post is going to be about, cause I feel like of nuts right now.  I feel like I've been playing a bit of an emotional ping pong game with myself in a seven sided board. One minute I'm happy, then pissed, then sad, then ok, then scared, then anxious. It's exsausting I mean really exsausting.  

I've definitely been noticing the exsaustion more lately. It's been challenging to get up in the morning, and not just on the days I have insomnia or sugar induced insomnia.  Which is completely legit, and at least is an explaination of being tired or sleeping poorly. The inability to sleep for a not good reason is a really hard pill to swallow.  At least if you're exsausted let it be because I was at some really great party and danced the night away, I mean much better then my body decided it didn't want to cooperate.  On a side note related to that I've gotten a lot better at slowing down and giving myself more time to do things, and more time to just be. I don't try to fit a million things in, in a day and I think it's really made me move slower through life and I think it's a good thing. I mean in mechanics the parts that get pushed to much wear out faster... Right, so why can't that be applied to bodies to. Let's find a homeostatic pace and stay there. And if it is slower then the previous one that is ok.  

On a different note I also had one of those weeks where I was very thankful for the yoga in my life. The realization coming sort of in a weird way.  A brilliant yogi died at the age of 95 this week.  BKS Iyengar, who is pretty much the father of modern yoga flow.  And in reading about him I came upon this quote. 

"Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured." - BKS Iyengar

And It made me very thankful that I found this ability to heal myself, even just a little bit. I know yoga can't heal everything but it sure shows me how to deal with everything. Through cancer and yoga I realize that a lot of stuff I used to make a big deal about aren't really a bit deal. 

My friend tony put it in a different way. 

"Sometimes your day is like toes pose" . It feels completely unbearable but if you send it some breath you realize it isn't so bad. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to bail occasionally, cause that's legit too. Certain times stress is just too much, breath allows us to endure to a certain point.  But sometimes you know that if you just sit with the intense sensation for a few more minutes you realize it ain't so bad. 

I also realized recently that I've sort of been developing my art of practice for a long time.  Some people know I've was an avid musican since about the age of 5. I started with recorder,  then flute, and bassoon for 15 yrs.  and I think that in practicing music and learning the discipline of practicing I was priming myself for the practice of yoga and really the practice of life.  It's through all this practice that I finally feel like I can accept myself on my terms more on a daily basis. And realize that some days aren't going to feel or go as "planned" and realizing that is ok. 

Side effects can suck it/ ok life is pretty good

I've had a lot of side effects happen to me in my day. I historically get most of the common ones, and sometimes some  a typical ones. All of them suck. I mean really they suck. And cancer brings on a whole slew of side effects that almost counteract each other, so it feels a little you're on an episode of candide camera

This first paragraph was started a while ago. And now that I've had a little more time, and actually some of the side effects have warn down a bit. I realize things are actually pretty good.   Though sometimes I still feel like I'm getting punked with what I have to go with, that whole you're only given what you can deal with mantra (admittedly not my favorite but applicable at the time) came through and most of the chemo side effects have lessened. In other words I don't feel like a 90 yr old women when I stand up. I'll take it. 

Radiation has been going along and it wasn't until recently that things started to get interesting.  Radiation for those new to the party is when they send photons into your body to kill shit.  Topically this results in, can you guess, a burn. An it just keeps getting worse, like you got a bad tanning bed experience in really stupid places( ex. Mamory fold, arm pit) yeh who knew those would be fun places to tan. But anyway. It wasn't a big deal at all until this weekend when skin decided to blister and crack... I will be asking about infection tomorrow. And now it just hurts. Bring on the pain and sleep aids... Two weeks to get through and we'll be good.  

Otherwise things are going pretty well. I've been teaching yoga a bit, or occasionally, depending on your unit of measure ;-) and it's been awesome. I've also been focusing on see people in small or single groups. Large groups haven't been calling my name lately. Taking care of my self with lots of bad TV dates. Experimenting with dietary changes and cravings. ( I have to admit I caved today and had a vegan chocolate chip cookie) damn sugar you scream at me, but bright side... NO DAIRY!!! Hey I'll take it.  And trying new things, or old things in new places. 

Off to yoga cafe @ south boston yoga. 90 min class with live music.... It's going to be awesome tastic 

Tattoo times two

14mar14 

As a lot of people know I got my first tattoo back on July. But what a lot of people don't necessarily know is that I pretty much immediately wanted another one. 

Of course it took me a while to decide on what I wanted. The location actually was the easy part.  I don't really know why I think foot tattoos are awesome, but they are. So that was the next location easy.  Then of course it was the challenge of what. I finally decided on a rosemåling design. And the final challenge was finding the perfect image to bring in to copy. Once that was all figured out it was time to get it going. 

So I decided to take the day off to do it, because after a week of recooping from surgery I wanted to do something fun. So I had a nice relaxing morning before heading to chameleon tattoo in Harvard square. 

I've gone to them now twice and Matt does really good work. From what I hear everyone there is really good. So totally worth the expense. 

The tattoo itself took about an hour and a half to do. It was rough to sit for it. I mean your foot is freakin bony so basically it hurt the entire time. But lots of breathing made it doable. It only got really hard near the end, which makes sense cause the skin was getting really tender. But it was totally worth it. It looks amazing even right away. I'll be curious to see the changes over the next week as it actually heals. 

But I'm super tender on that side so I'll be happy when the healing processes is a bit more under way. 

The rest of the day was spent hanging with Kate before we made it over to teacher training. So all in all it was a great day. 

Ps - I already know what I want to get next, it's a secret... But let the image search begin. 

When your world crumbles

I feel numb. The one thing that you fear when you have cancer, especially at 28, is that it will come back. I mean you muster through everything the first time, get to the end and think "ok I made it, now I can get on with my life." I mean really who wouldn't think that. Life throws you a wrench and you manage to dodge it, sort of, but you come out the other side thinking you'll never have to deal with that again, minus an overly close relationship to a few physicians.  Until it turns out life throws you another similarly shaped wrench. 

Oh yeh that's right like a really really bad zombie move, the cancer is back. I found a tiny hard pea sized node on Monday and now on Friday it's definitely cancer. I've had a cat scan, FYI barium is gross... Really gross.  And a fine needle biopsy. Which is how they found it to begin with. 

Fortunately today I found out the scans were clear, a very good sign, but still getting more studies. And probably more blood draws because who doesn't love those. But things are progressing nicely, in a manner of speaking. 

At this point my emotions are all over the place. I mean I'm pissed, duh. That sort of goes without saying, but I'm scared and worried and confused as well. I mean that's the scary part. Now that the hard part. The future and what the hell is going to happen. The only thing I know for sure is its one day at a time. And somehow I'll get through it. 

And as stanley told me 

"We're going to slap the bitch "