Thanks

I've had a lot going on lately. But today, the day of thanksgiving I want to slow down, and think of gratitude. What brings me happiness, joy, and thanks. 

People sometimes throw the word gratitude around willy nilly. Like you are a bad person if you're not greatful. But to me I feel that it is something to be earned. Like with any feeling you need to work through both the Ying and the Yang, the good and the bad to appreciate it. Or at least in my opinion. That is how I feel. And I have worked through a lot. Coming out more appreciative, happier, stronger and more sure of why I am why I am... And what I want my life to mean. 

I have never really been an advocate for saying cancer was a good thing. But it was a thing. And it is part, an integral part, of my story. Lately I've been thinking about the person I've become. And the person in trying to become by changing my situation. I mean because of cancer I have had a very different four years then the four years I imagined I would have even 5 years ago. I had to give up a lot, but I've gained a lot. A major thing that I've gained is an appreciation for my life. Truly. Someone I met through cancer posted recently how luck we are to live in a place that has such good  medical services and where the norm is to get something checked out before it becomes a huge problem. And it's easy to forget that there are people out there that don't go to the doctors until they are incapacitated. Which in the case of cancer is almost always too late. So for that I'm thankful. 

Additionally and sort of in hand with the cancer is feeling so good about what I'm doing to make myself happy in the future. I am actively creating my future as a nurse and I feel so amazingly good about it. It's been a hard couple of months balancing school, applications and work, but it will be worth it. I feel more sure about school, more sure about my opinions and the most survive ever felt about the path forward. 

Finally I'm thankful and grateful for love. The fact that I am able to love people out there fiercely and know that I am loved fiercely. It's an amazing feeling and I'm happy to have it. 

And though it's always nice to sum up you're feelings and stuff. I want to leave off with one word... Ok a few but you get the idea. 

Be greatful everyday

The final days and farewell camp mystery hole

07jun15 - 13jun15

Day 5 - back on the wall 

After a day of white water rafting we were back at it for some more climbing. And rappelling... We met our guides and went to a different location. This one had a much smaller parking area... Maybe less well known, I dunno. I was completely unaware of titles and stuff. So I could have been on Mars.  This area was up from the path a little, and had some cool stuff.  They set up a chimney again, which was really tight but fun once I got the hang of it. Had to jam my knees into the rock, but once I got going there was a lot of starfish action. They also had a really tricky one right next to a tree... Which I used as a boost, along with a number of people. I saw some of the guys try the actual start and it was hard. Lots of up an over lips. It was a really cool place to climb, and populare with the locals since we had some come and hang with us. 

After some climbing and lunch action.....

it was time to rappel.  So we hiked back up to the spot with the ropes. This time I went closer to the beginning or maybe first... Memories a little foggy. And Sherpa Lerpa made me stay on my feet. He even bent down and held my feet until I was in a good position to go down. Really scary but good too cause it got me in a good position. This one once I started was a bit easier and I didn't cry. I was actually able to glance around and realize maybe this was cool.  

Man salmon was at the bottom and directed me back to the group (and helped me extercate myself from all the hooks). 

After everyone repelled we went Swimming... In yoga pants. And boy was that nice. To be grimmey and gross and than go cool off. Lovely, simply lovely. 

The one difference tonight was they told us our groups for tomorrow... Clearly we needed to be organized for tomorrow's adventures.

Grasshoppa, Princess and me after a day of climbing action :) 

Day 6 - the multi - pitch graduation climb

Today was our final day... Up and out reasonably quickly cause there was lots on the schedule.  As we were driving we all prayed for the weather to stick with us... Clouds and mountains are very unpredictable. We got to our location and distributed gear.  Then my group made its way to the graduation climb... Our first multi pitch. 

Now this was different. We were climbing but we were topping out, multiple times. In totally we did 4 pitches. And they were hard.

Ending on the top of the "pinnacle"  I'm not sure if that's the official name or if that's just what they called it to us. Regardless... It was high up. And we were going to finish with a rappel off the top. Yikes!!!  We slowly made our way up 1 by 1... With a moment of feeling like were in a chain gang since we were all hooked to a rope in a row.

The Chain Gang !!! 

Navigator May have been throwing nature at me... from above 

Really funny.  I also got to try something different called aid climbing. Or I think that's it. When you use a rope in your hands to help you up. And Danger (one guide) came and visited even though it was her day off.  

We all safely made it to the top!!! And enjoyed quite the view! 

Here we are pre - rappelling :-) 

We all made it down, and very hungrily chowed down! 

Because it's actually unsafe we had to move our location mid chow down, but we were going to find more walls, so it was all good. 

After eating we went to this place called the Junkyard. It was cool. They had a really big chimney which I did and it was really fun. Hard and fun. I think the scary thing there is because it's so skinny there feels like there is too much stuff to crash into.  I made it though.  And it was pretty cool! 

After all that action we were all sweaty and tired. We packed up our gear and made it up to the cars. Said goodbye to the guides and went back to the swimming hole.  

Again cool water on tired body felt great. We paddled around and than did a FD tradition. We got pens and found rocks. One to keep, one to toss. 

One with all the good 

And Toss away the bad!  It was cool, and cathartic. The kept rock proudly rests in my living room. 

Clearly from the picture I was tired and emotionally spent. 

We went home for a really amazing evening of relaxing, dinner, s'mores, fires, candles and Baci.... 

The candle ceremony was reflective and made me truly grateful that I still have my body, I still have my life. I know too many people that are not with us, or treatment leaves them too broken to have the ability to go outside and use their body in this amazing way and I am grateful that I can. 

The Baci was tied on by my good buddy Grasshoppa.  And a discription is below. 

Baci is a phi ritual used to celebrate important events and occasions, like births and marriages and also entering the monkhood, departing, returning, beginning a new year, and welcoming or bidding etc.^[1] The ritual of the baci involves tying strings around a person’s wrist to preserve good luck, and has become a national custom.^{[3][4] -wickapedia}

I still have it on and it makes me smile thinking back.

Once we came inside we sat on the couches for awhile... Surrounded by a lot of taxidermy and then went to bed. 

Day 7 - a farewell... But see you again 

Today was slow... We all had different departure times, so it was a quite morning as people got ready to roll.  One of the first out was my roomie for the week Cheeta.  We worked well and it was a pleasure to share the space.  

After some seating around, coffee drinking and food scrounging. (I wanted to bring lunch since my flight was at 12 something) Lil D, Furiousa and I loaded into a car and went to the airport.  We got there and through the very quick security and had a bit of time to chat... Then they saw me to the gate and I was off. 

It was an amazing ride!!!! Goodbye camp Mystery Hole!!!!!

Final thoughts and reflections 

Now almost a week out I still look back on the week with such gratitude, smiles, fondness and love. It was an amazing thing to be a part of, and I am really glad our group seemed to gel well.  And moving forward maybe Pigeon will make more appearances in every day life... Cause all you have to do is commit and try.

The simple things

Lately I've definitely noticed I've been complicating the shit out of everything. And I do mean everything.  So it's been creating a lot of undue or at least not quite so necessary stress. And that does nothing good for my mood or my behavior.  

Then today the universe through me a bone, in a manner of speaking. I was reading my mediation book and the last line for today's was 

It seems we always have the choice: to remain a builder of fences or to enter the stream that ignores all fences. - mark nepo 

And it was exactly what I needed to hear. I find that when I get in the cycle of stress and stuff I try to plan and organize and get AS MUCH AS I CAN POSSIBLY GRT DONE DONE. Which doesn't make me a better person, does very little to aswage the feeling of uncontrol and sort of makes me into a bit of a pushy bitch. 

So today and moving forward. I will try to breath and go with the flow a bit more, and see what, if anything changes. 

Why NPs are awesome

I had a moment today that made me realize how much I want to be an NP or I guess why I want to be a good one. 

Some people are aware of my desire to become a nurse and it was this interaction that had made me realize again the important it is to have good people to talk to in medical situations and the importance of having someone there that can "talk you off the ledge". I also know I could be that person.

  I had been sort of freaking out about a few things and in the end the reasons don't matter. But I called my Doctor to come in and be seen. And because I could see her quicker they have me an appointment with the NP.  So I went in and went through the whole rigamaroll of what had been going on and how I was feeling, and see listened attentively. And when I was done said "ok we're going to do a full exam". She did the exam and then re-read some reports. And gave her opinion about what was to be done. Everything she said was very reasonable and she gave me her idea of the plan. 

The most magical part of the experience was after she finished her "we should do this.... " speach she asked me how I felt about it. It felt so egalitarian and in asking she acknowledged my fears and legitimized the freak out. And that was great. In doing that I realized a bit more that I'm doing the right thing, I'm fine and things will work out. 

Granted it's still hard for me to feel that way. REALLY hard depending on the day, but taking the edge off was great. 

Side note : she used the words "hot mess" more then once... Which surprisingly made things better. 

So why are NP's awesome. Because she took the time, listened and rationalized my fears, but didn't allow my fears to drive her decisions. She made me feel 50% less crazy, and that I was doing the right thing.  My main hope is that someday I will be able to do that for someone else. And in taking the 45 min out of my day, help someone make it through a tense few months. 

Omnipresence, self awareness, and hypochondria

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've been in a bit of a turmoil of feelings, emotions and actions to a certain part.

First off the fact that Boston is experiencing record breaking snow fall on basically ever, it makes it hard to function on a very basic level. Getting anywhere is ways more challenging and I think it's making everyone a lot more irritable.....

Ok who I am kidding, a lot more irritable. 

The second thing going on is the fact I've had a bit of a sense of foreboding. And really the foreboding and the hypochondria sort of go hand in hand. We are coming up on a year since I discovered the second lump in my right breast and the entire shit show of the last year transpired.  For some reason this week has just been feeling very eary. I'm definitely not ok with this feel. Umm yeh give me a huge dose of foreboding... Thanks but no thanks.  But that has not helped the feeling I've had that something just isn't right. Initially I tried to shake it and just play it off as true crazy. But it just wouldn't go away. 

That is the good thing about being a yogi. I can tell when something isn't right. Granted the plague of all winter colds has been going around so of course I initially thought that was what was going on. I mean I had pneumonia this year so I think my lungs are having a disagreement with my body. But I know when something is just a cold or when things aren't resolving. Or at least I think I do. 

I should mention, I'm also extremely impatient when it comes to health things. I admittedly have NO gauge about what it means to be sick, so I never know if though I am not getting better. It's a normal not getting better or if it's an actual problem. And let's just say this inability is ANNOUYING.  It was brought to my attention just now that it might not be impatience so much as anxiety. And no matter what you call it it pisses me off that my mind goes there. 

The shroud that surrounds the medical profession as a whole has been removed and I am not always that impressed by what I see.  It makes me want to take charge of my health care and to a certain extent I do. The limitations I've encountered have some to do with my time constraints and some with medicine as a whole. I get frustrated that I can't devote unlimited resources to determine if and when I have a problem and the best course of treatment. And the fact that medicine had limitations. We power things with wind. We send people to the moon. We should be able to answer why my lungs feel funny. 

Unfortunately the plan and simple fact is that it is not that simple. I am doing everything I can and now I have to wait and see how things play out. I'm fortunate enough I can see specialists without much of an issue. So that might happen. More tests might happen, and I will get to a point where I feel at peace with the answers.