Tough week

Starting 17mar14- 

This Monday I had my "multi" appointment at MGH. Which is basically doctor code where you sit in a room for 2 hrs and see a bunch of docs. I mean it's an efficient way go, but a touch on the overwhelming side.  I mean we are talking cancer here, so it's not like the information isn't just a little weighty... You think? 

I brought my mom along for as she put it, comic relief. Which was a good idea cause it gets extremely boring being stuck in the room with nothing to do, and can almost be a little claustrophobic. So wise choice on my part... And we revised the really inappropriate though completely funny cancer humor. I like that it gives me an even more pass to say what ever the hell I want. Even to the constrination of others. Tough shit. 

Anyway I digress alittle... Again tough shit.  So first on the agenda was medical oncology. I actually like this guy a lot. He's good and very practical. Things you'd want in a guy that is fixing them to pump toxic chemicals into your veins.  So we discussed chemotherapy. Which is happening again, and I'm actually happy about it. I mean at least I know I'm doing everything out there... As much as chemo is shitty. And going bald is shitty I want to feel like I'm doing everything.  So chemo is back on the table. At least I know what I look like bald. So no surprise there. Just got to do it.  They also inspected my veins so I should be good without a port. No human cyborg. Woot woot. That is fine by me.  I mean that was no fun at all. So after 3 months in chemo land, I'll move over to radiation land. 

I get a month off to recoop. I know friendly right? And then I'm going to for radiation for 6wks.  The good thing about that is the apts are only ~ 30 min long. The bad thing is they are 30 min long, and 5 days a week.  So that will be more annouying then anything else and really not make me want to get any work done. I hope I can get a slot either at the beginning or end of the day. So at least the whole work interruption thing can be avoided. Maybe I'll play the lab card... They should understand that. And granted we're talking anywhere outside of 10-3. I think that should be doable.   

The thing that has been the hardest to wrap my head around is basically if I want to do IVF before I pour toxic chemicals in my body. Basically they said it was a chance that my ovaries might decide not to work after all is said and done. So I have to decide if I want to create a potential more of a guarantee by freezing eggs. Unfortunately it's not the  perfect situation. Storage is pricy. Unfertilized eggs don't do as well. There is some significant prep involved. And it's yet another procedure. 

The whole thing has been freaking me out a bit. It feels like a very big decision and sort of feels unnatural. I mean there is no for sure, so it's hard to fully commit. Also I know my insurance only covers storage for 2 yrs. and  that's not a ton of time, and it's super expensive. Basically there is a lot to think about, and this is before I meet with the dr... But I have to wait because the apt is on tuesday of next week. 

I hate waiting!!!!!!

Yoga teacher training wk 4

28feb14 - 02march14

It's been a hard couple of weeks, I mean of course. There isn't exactly anything all that rosy about finding out you have cancer again. Fortunately this weekend I had another great distraction. Yoga teacher training. Wk 4. The good thing about being busy all weekend is that there is little time to think, let alone feel sorry for yourself. And let's be honest, we know I do my best not to go there.  So yoga distract it is. 

Friday was eventful, sort of because I didn't have to go to work. So that's always fun.  I had a bone scan, which was super boring. But then I had a fun lunch with Erin from rowing, and got to hang out with ms Kate before we all headed over to yoga training.  Fridays are always fun because it's such a quick time, which is weird to say because it's still 3 hrs.  I also told everyone at teacher training about what was going on with me. So that was emotional, like no kidding, but I knew those people would. Be a very safe crowed to come out about that with. So it felt good to tell people and be honest about something that isnt rosy. The rest of the night was lots of yoga and lots of awesome. 

Saturday was a long long day because I started the day with a brain MRI at 715 in the morning. So I figured by the end of the day I'd be getting pretty emotional. Lack of sleep always makes me emotional.  But the scan was uneventful. 

The other trainees were so nice and made me 

And everyone signed it. Which was so sweet and made me feel really good. It feels amazing to know that there is a lot of people in my corner this time. And I'm going to be honest about it. 

Saturday brought some Sanskrit, some teaching and some presentations.  I actually really like the Sanskrit part of yoga, though when using the Sanskrit for poses some of them are quite the mouthful, but it's fun and I felt very offical saying Stuff. We'll see what I actually use... Right now I like anjaneasana... It's fun to say and sort of feels like it really goes with the pose. 

Sunday was all about meditation, and chakras. So it was a hard day, I mean meditation isn't something that comes naturally and it's not something that I'm used to doing so it's a different type of hard to teaching and all good, but I'm exsausted.  We also discussed the chakras, which are a little fluffy but kind of cool. I definitely want to do some more research on the subject. Mainly because some things make perfect sense, like if you have a blockage in one chakra you'll have certain symptoms. Basically a lot of that sort of thing thing fluffy seems oddly coquincental, so maybe there is something there. 

Boredom

It's been an eventful couple of days. Yesterday I got a bone scan for the first time. It wasn't particularly eventful, other than I'm a little radioactive until Monday but it was super boring. I mean the pictures and the IV are just meh, not something I haven't done before. The thing that got to me was the waiting. I mean I had to get there at 830, and was done at 1. What happens with a bone scan is they inject you with this radioactive stuff then you have to wait for it migrate through your body, aka, sit in the cafeteria and drink tea. And then they take the pictures. Which don't hurt and are kind of boring. No I'm serious, getting  my 3rd scanner in a week really didn't phase me. I mean today it's back in the MRI for pictures of the brain mass. Fun fun.... Had to get up annoyingly early so I'm a little cranky. 

In waiting I realized company is not a bad thing and I think for the long haul days I will ask for people to come with me.  Cause it gets really tiresome, so having someone to goof off with would help pass the time. I know I have to actually do it myself which makes me feel a little bit like I'm on the island of lost souls, but company is a good thing. 

But in waiting I started reading a book for yoga teacher training. 

This is a book written by the owner of the studio, and I was honestly a bit skeptical of the whole thing. I'm sort of aware. Of their belief system and it leaves a few major flaws in my opinion. I mean I could be missing something but the reaction of what to do basically when bad things happen to good people.  And from the sound of it basically you should thank the universe for hard times. 

I mean I'm all for positive thinking and maintaining a positive attitude about adversity. Where did the "we're gonna slap that bitch " mantra come from? I mean kicking ass and taking names is positive. But the philosophy seems to negate the negative or "non-positive" emotions.  Where as I believe all emotions should be felt and embraced. Do I think sitting in sadness or angry is the best thing for you? No, but there are times for all of them, and there are times where a little fire is called for. And I think that should be good, and though I plan to thank the universe later when this path that I'm on revels itself, but for now. I'm going to be happy, sad and mad and anything I damn well want to be in the middle. And I think that is good.  

It's all about perspective

I had an interesting moment about perspective today. So first of all it's officially offical offical. When you go to the doctor and they say that you have ductel carcinoma then there's really no going back from that. There is only moving forward. They don't say that unless they are pretty damn sure.  

But the perspective moment happened with the surgeon. Basically she was telling me what the plan would be to remove said tumor, or what we're really calling it... The bitch. And basically it's an office visit.  I can shower the next day, and she basically said I could run right away. The only thing she advised against was crossfit. Not really surprised there. So I'm super excited. I mean I won't have to be completely bed ridden and that is awesome. 

I realized when I got home that I have a skewed sense of medically hard. I mean getting cut is still getting cut but I had to laugh a little because after hearing that I was basically like, oh I got this... No biggie. Who says that? 

You know who.... This bad ass. I am so much stronger than I even know.