It was another emotional week, which is starting to feel more normal. The more I think and talk about it I really realize how great it is to be differnent and realize that I need to start / continue wearing my monikers of difference with pride because it is our differences that make us all the same.
That being said, I shared my paper this week. It was emotional because basically when is talking about the effect cancer had on your life not emotional. But it felt really good to sort of release the beast, in a very supportive and loving environmet, and with other grown ups. I have begun to realize that part of my insecurity with my differences has stemmed from the fact that differences are something to be laughed at, or ridiculed when you're growing up. And ill admit I was an easy target.
I have always been a bit of an old soul, or older soul. I only recently started to feel that myself is sort of more in sync with those around me. And I have a tendency to stay weird shit, or say stuff weird. Maybe it stems from my geek-dom, but who knows. Honestly that's not the point and I sort of don't care. It's part of me. But needless to say the fact that since I was little I've gotten made fun of how or what I say or do, it's made it hard as an adult to open up.
So sharing my paper was a tough bar to clear. I wanted to, but I was nervous about how it would be received. I mean I don't want pitty. I never have. Cancer happened and I'm dealing with it, working on living my life to the fullest. There isn't any room in there for pitty. And I didn't get it. I did get admiration, which is something I have a hard time accepting too. It's not even that I purposefully undervalue the experience but because I put blinders on and spent 6 months dealing with cancer and 6 months truest recooping from cancer it doesn't feel like that big a deal. But I'm realizing that, it is!
The last two years have shaped me as a person in so many ways. And I'm finally beginning to realize that even though I may never feel strong, or with it, that is just a feeling and the reality is that I am, and I can handle a lot.
So needless to say it was a very tiring day on Saturday but now that it's out there I really look at all the adversity I've encountered as a good thing. I can show people, accidentally because it's not like I mean to, they a positive outlook is a good thing and achievable. Even though I continue to work on being more positive myself, it's possible even when life throws you a mother of all curve balls, and good things can come out of it. I mean like any step in a journey. Had I not gone through that I would never have gotten deeper into my yoga practice and therefore become a yoga teacher (becoming.)
It's all meant to be.
I close with one thing I sort of leaned this weekend as well.
Namaste obviously has a bunch of translations but one is something like "we now to that which is the same in all of us". Pretty cool, even in feeling different we are all the same.