Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Life reflects yoga and yoga reflects life

It's sort of amazing how the crap that I deal with on a regular basis comes up in my yoga, and teaching yoga. It's sort of amazing how connected the internal body is to the rest of the world. In some ways it's actually a little creepy sometimes, but creepy good. 

So something I've been struggling with lately is simply put pinging on peoples radar. I spent so long trying to not get noticed even though I know I was, so now actively doing things to get noticed is scary and uncomfortable. And sometimes you ping on the radar in an undesired way.  Be it good or bad. It's hard to go from being someone that was actively trying not to be noticed to someone who is standing proud and tall and saying here I am. And that person (me) is a bit scared of it. It's sort of amusing that one of the main catalysts for being willing to stick out more was getting cancer again. I mean talk about needing an extra push out of the comfort nest. I mean seriously, but I guess that sort of falls under the everything happens for a reason and the universe only gives what we can handle. So I am aware now that maybe this happened to catalyze my person growth.  I must be meant for something great.  I mean really, why else would I be forced to deal with this stuff in such an up close and personal way. 

Anyway I digress, so one of the main reasons I was afraid to ping on people's radars was I was afraid that I wouldn't be enough. Whatever enough even means, and I realize now that enough is different for everyone... Huh if only my 14 yr old self knew that one.  I had an irrational fear. That still lingers, trust me it's a work in progress, that whatever I offered would be deemed unworthy.  

Now comes the yoga teaching. Standing at almost the finally of teacher training there has definitely been some anxiety over what happens next and will I be good enough, can I actually do this in front of people. Who knows? The realization came this weekend that yes I am good enough, but also that still doesn't mean that everyone will like what I have to offer. Everyone wants something different from yoga and all teachers have something different to offer. I mean that's why naming one favorite teacher is actually hard because I go to differnt people for differnt things. So the fact that there will be people out there that don't like what or how I teach and that it has no reflection on me, is sort of mind altering. I mean still scary cause rejection is never pleasant.... Who we kidding, but the fact that people can take or leave me, my yoga, my teaching, my self and it is not an assessment on me, but on them or how we connect at that particular time is an idea I really can clinge to.  The fear may always be there, but if I focus on not making it, whatever sort of interaction it is, not about my self worth or personage and about where the other person is at.... That is crazy and amazing and scary... And awesome

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